Everyone knows the Grammy Awards are the place for the eccentric aunts of the entertainment industry (aka musicians) to wear ridiculous outfits (see picture at left) that often show a lot of skin, especially during the onstage performances.
Apparently the Grammys know this also, because they had such little faith in the ability for the attending celebrities to cover themselves that they felt the need to release a “Wardrobe Advisory.” Reading it is a wonderful gift from the gods of crazy.
Read the text below, and enjoy. I’ve bolded the particularly poetic phrases.
Please be sure that buttocks and female breasts are adequately covered. Thong type costumes are problematic. Please avoid exposing bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack. Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts is also problematic. Please avoid sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples. Please be sure the genital region is adequately covered so that there is no visible “puffy” bare skin exposure. Please avoid commercial identification of actual brand name products on T-shirts. Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared. OBSCENITY OR PARTIALLY SEEN OBSCENITY ON WARDROBE IS UNACCEPTABLE FOR BROADCAST. This as well, pertains to audience members that appear on camera. Finally, The Network requests that any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory.
There are so many gems of unintentional (intentional?) hilarity here. Let’s examine them one by one, shall we?
“Female breasts”: I’m glad we’re allowed to see man boobs at this year’s Grammys. It’s what the show has always been missing.
“Thong type costumes”: What if Taylor Swift decides to wear her beach flip-flops on stage? Is that a no-go?
“Bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack”: I think whoever wrote this is going to include it as a submission for a Fifty Shades of Grey fan fiction website. Also, classy two-time use of “buttock.” Didn’t think I would ever read that word twice in one sentence.
“Under curvature of the breast”: Only one breast? Or are we talking chicken breast here?
“Female breast nipples”: This one is my personal favorite. Not only did they feel the need to specify once again that these are female breasts they’re talking about, but they’re breast nipples. Not those other nipples you have on your feet or anything. Those are fine.
“Genital region”: This just makes me think of Liz Lemon’s “bathing suit area” comment. In the words of Jack Donaghy, “I’ve seen your bathing suits. That could be anywhere.”
“Puffy bare skin exposure”: So is that what Lady Gaga meant when she said she wanted a mannequin with “puffy pink pubic hair”?
“Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared”: Don’t go wearing that T-shirt with the Elvish curse words, Adele. I know it was in your top three outfit choices, along with long black dress and long black dress.
Finally, now guests can’t even support their charities anymore? I’m starting to think Nicki Minaj’s above outfit will ironically be the only acceptable way to look according to these Grammy people. We’ll just see who follows the rules this Sunday on CBS.
(Photo: Adriana M. Barraza/ WENN.com)