The only people who remember 2004′s The Swan, a plastic-surgery-beauty-pageant-of-awfulness on FOX (naturally) would be the awful people who watched it. Like me. Back then, reality television was still in its infancy for the most part (Joe Millionaire, anyone?), so while I knew I was watching something truly horrible, I was also young and bored and fascinated by televised plastic surgery. Which is why, nearly a decade later, when I saw that FOX was not only bringing back The Swan but that they were including celebrities as contestants, I nearly peed myself in pure joy.
Obviously by “celebrities” they mean people like whoever played Joanie from Happy Days/Joanie Loves Chachi and Monica Lewinsky, so it’s not like Angelina Jolie and Meryl Streep are going to be on the show for a nose job or a jug lift. And you know what? That is totally okay with me. Because a true train wreck show deserves to feature true train wrecks.
In case you need a refresher on what exactly The Swan entails, please behold this ancient YouTube clip to help your memory out a bit:
And in case you’re like me and really excited for this shitshow because, like me, your moral compass doesn’t exactly point due north, here’s what FOX has to say about the re-vamped show:
“Celebrity Swan will feature female celebrities and will offer these popular women the incredible opportunity to undergo physical, psychological and career changes as cameras follow them through the transformative process. This opportunity will allow these women to come back better than ever, have a second chance at personal and career redemption and re-introduce themselves to their supportive fans in a whole new way.”
Career redemption for Z-list celebs in the form of fake noses, tits, lipo and behavioral therapy? Yep. Consider me already signed up.