• Thu, Jan 31 2013

Thank God Michael Lohan Just Had A New Kid, Because That Lindsay One Is Really Broken

philly fox celebs 220612In case you were wondering what that pervasive taste of exploitation and regret was in the air this morning, Michael Lohan has had another baby. Yes that’s right, at age 52, the father of noted success Lindsay Lohan is trying his hand at a new impressionable infant, to see if he can outdo himself in the fatherhood department.

The new bundle of joy and luck was born at 11:39am in Florida on January 30th, to Michael’s fiancee Kate Major. He’s a boy named Landon Major Lohan and he weighs 7lbs, 5oz. Like all of the world’s luckiest infants, Landon is blessed with a mother who has taken out various restraining orders out against his father in the past. I’m assuming they’re okay now, though, because Michael was present in the room for the delivery, and even clipped the umbilical cord. Although I guess I shouldn’t assume anything — it’s possible that the cord was 500 yards long.

Yesterday marked a big day for Michael, as his crowning masterpiece Lindsay miraculously avoided jail time at her court appearance for lying to a police officer last summer. It’s so nice that those two events occurred on the same day, so we can see how much work is truly to be done. You have to wonder if Michael will be up for the task, as he did such a bang-up job getting LiLo, Dina, and the rest of the country to hate him the first time around. He seems to be off to a good start, though, as it was pointed out that this baby was conceived while Kate definitely had a restraining order against Michael, meaning that any sexual contact between them was unlawful. And I’m gonna assume there was some sexual contact, because it’s nine months later and there’s a baby here.

Regardless, we wish Michael the best of luck, but we don’t want to take up any more of his time, because this is a very impressionable time in a baby’s life and if he wants this kid to turn out anywhere near as lost as Lindsay, he’s got a lot of spousal abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, and jail time to catch up on.

(Image: Hugh Dillon / WENN.com)

Share This Post: