• Wed, Jan 30 2013

15 Heart-Warming Death Threat Tweets To The Girl Who Slept With One Direction‘s Zayn Malik

one direction today 2 131112Well this is a heart-warming way to spend a rainy Wednesday — reading the kind, thoughtful tweets from the rabid Directioners fan-base threatening to hunt down and kill Courtney Webb. You see Courtney made the unfortunate choice to sleep with Zayn Malik, of One Direction, and talk about it to the media. In normal situations that would get his fans worked into a tween-y lather, but in this case it’s even worse because Zayn has a girlfriend, 19-year old Perrie Edwards of Little Mix. So he cheated, which is pretty bad, and something that 1D fans will have to work through, and maybe take some time to forgive him before getting back to their full soaring heights of obsession.

Or not. Turns out that Zayn thankfully had nothing to do with having sex with Miss Courtney Webb, who says she didn’t realize he had a girlfriend. I don’t know the details, but I have no doubt that she blindfolded Zayn, put him in the back of a rickshaw, did magic homewrecker voodoo to give him a boner, and then forced him to cheat on his girlfriend. There’s no other explanation because Zayn is pure of heart and Courtney is obviously a she-devil. Luckily, Directioners are aware of this fact, and have been tastefully taking to Twitter for the past two days to gently suggest that Courtney might not have had her priorities in order when she slept with Zayn. They encourage her not to be down on herself, that everybody makes mistakes, and that she and Zayn are equally to blame for their decision.

Oh wait, no. That’s completely wrong. It’s Twitter, so there’s none of that. It’s fucking wall-to-wall death threats, and here are fifteen of the most heart-warming ones.

Twitter 1They don’t have perfect grammar, okay?!? Because murderous middle schoolers have better things to think about than putting the commas in the right place. Twitter 2This is a really valid point. I woke up today with a ton of homosexual proclivities. Pretty sure it was automatic. Twitter 3I don’t think this is what anyone meant by a woman’s right to choose. Twitter 4This is either a Snow White reference or Sebastian Franz is already in your living room. Twitter 5Succinct, to the point. Twitter 7Oh did I forget to mention? Someone put up Courtney’s phone number on Twitter, so she’s been receiving thousands and thousands of death threats via text and voicemail as well as Twitter. Classy. Twitter 8Maybe she works in a soup kitchen and that’s all she has handy. Twitter 9She’s pretty excited about this prediction. Twitter 10You might think this is a death threat, but ‘poisson’ is actually French for ‘fish’, so instead it’s the beginning of an art film. Twitter 11Bear in mind that these tweets are all sent by fans who on their very own pages have said MULTIPLE TIMES that they want to sleep with the One Direction boys. Obviously very rational thinkers. Twitter 12No I totally agree, but what the fuck are you talking about? Twitter 13Copyright 2013, LonelyForever99. Which I’m guessing means this person was born in 1999, which would make them FOURTEEN.  Twitter 15Just getting a feel for the crowd. Twitter6This is what I meant by ‘admirable restraint’.Twitter 14And my favorite. I’m pretty sure this is intended to be sung and then auto-tuned. Also worth noting that Gebi Pridasari lists her likes as ‘her parents, God, and One Direction.’ Awesome. Keep it up, teenagers of the world. You are our future.

(Image: Dan Jackman / WENN.com)

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  • sleepysone1995

    damn…mind calming your damn fucking tits?..his relationship is none of your business to poke your head in

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      How should I go about calming them down? They seem to think they are Mexican jumping tits.

    • http://twitter.com/reallysuperneat Nicole

      That is possibly the best thing I’ve read all week.

    • sleepysone1995

      lol this comment actually made me laugh this morning XD

    • http://2beapaperdoll.blogspot.com/ Cori

      you are hilarious and I am two months late to the joke.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Haha better late than never! Welcome!

  • Niamh

    It’s funny, for a second, then utterly horrifying.

  • http://thekimberlydiaries.com/ the kimberly diaries

    how do you cut someone with a spoon?

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I don’t have an answer for you. Maybe ask ice cream?

    • Iknowthis

      They did it in a YouTube video called “Happy Tree Friends.”

    • http://twitter.com/reallysuperneat Nicole

      I want to know how you go about poissoning yourself.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You need a really cold fish.

    • http://2beapaperdoll.blogspot.com/ Cori

      very slowly.

  • Anonymous

    They are just emotional teenagers and their idols are innocent in their eyes. I don’t really think any of them would go so far as to actually kill her. Don’t really think anyone should take these serious.

  • http://gabrielle2lastnames.tumblr.com/ Gabrielle Hanson-Moore

    In regards to the girl that ate her tampon. hahahaha — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PppwzlMxOF4

  • Iloveyou

    This isn’t funny! No matter how bad someone is you shouldn’t send them death threats.i agree that is was wrong of Courtney but seriously you all need to CALM YOUR TITS.

  • Loki(:

    And THIS is the reason why I don’t tell anyone I like One Direction.

  • Kait

    all of these people are scary. Someone should teach these kids how to use the internet properly.

  • sleepysone1995

    Directioners need to PIPE THE FUCK DOWN…it is not like she killed your mother or something

  • http://twitter.com/TerriblyLovely Shellie Schoellkopf

    These tweets should come in handy when they apply for jobs right out of college and a quick Google search reveals their homicidal tendencies. #I’mSorryThePositionHasBeenFilled

  • Bri marks

    You’re not a directioner if you send death threats to their loved ones. I think it’s kind of crazy people would send death treats. Like come on guys! Seriously?! It’s really ridiculous and it’s getting out of hand! It’s very immature and childish. Did your parents ever teach you respect?

  • Eimear

    Very late to discussion but wanted to add, a girl in my school met them after a concert in Dublin last year (she knew them quite well her uncle does their security I think), you’d want to see the abuse she got for the next week after she posted a pictures of her and Harry, all kinds of stuff on instagram, facebook, twitter etc. death threats and her mum shouldn’t have had her and stuff. It was really serious the school was involved, never really thought about how horrible that stuff is until i saw it happen to someone i know