Well this is a heart-warming way to spend a rainy Wednesday — reading the kind, thoughtful tweets from the rabid Directioners fan-base threatening to hunt down and kill Courtney Webb. You see Courtney made the unfortunate choice to sleep with Zayn Malik, of One Direction, and talk about it to the media. In normal situations that would get his fans worked into a tween-y lather, but in this case it’s even worse because Zayn has a girlfriend, 19-year old Perrie Edwards of Little Mix. So he cheated, which is pretty bad, and something that 1D fans will have to work through, and maybe take some time to forgive him before getting back to their full soaring heights of obsession.
Or not. Turns out that Zayn thankfully had nothing to do with having sex with Miss Courtney Webb, who says she didn’t realize he had a girlfriend. I don’t know the details, but I have no doubt that she blindfolded Zayn, put him in the back of a rickshaw, did magic homewrecker voodoo to give him a boner, and then forced him to cheat on his girlfriend. There’s no other explanation because Zayn is pure of heart and Courtney is obviously a she-devil. Luckily, Directioners are aware of this fact, and have been tastefully taking to Twitter for the past two days to gently suggest that Courtney might not have had her priorities in order when she slept with Zayn. They encourage her not to be down on herself, that everybody makes mistakes, and that she and Zayn are equally to blame for their decision.
Oh wait, no. That’s completely wrong. It’s Twitter, so there’s none of that. It’s fucking wall-to-wall death threats, and here are fifteen of the most heart-warming ones.
They don’t have perfect grammar, okay?!? Because murderous middle schoolers have better things to think about than putting the commas in the right place. This is a really valid point. I woke up today with a ton of homosexual proclivities. Pretty sure it was automatic. I don’t think this is what anyone meant by a woman’s right to choose. This is either a Snow White reference or Sebastian Franz is already in your living room. Succinct, to the point. Oh did I forget to mention? Someone put up Courtney’s phone number on Twitter, so she’s been receiving thousands and thousands of death threats via text and voicemail as well as Twitter. Classy. Maybe she works in a soup kitchen and that’s all she has handy. She’s pretty excited about this prediction. You might think this is a death threat, but ‘poisson’ is actually French for ‘fish’, so instead it’s the beginning of an art film. Bear in mind that these tweets are all sent by fans who on their very own pages have said MULTIPLE TIMES that they want to sleep with the One Direction boys. Obviously very rational thinkers. No I totally agree, but what the fuck are you talking about? Copyright 2013, LonelyForever99. Which I’m guessing means this person was born in 1999, which would make them FOURTEEN. Just getting a feel for the crowd. This is what I meant by ‘admirable restraint’.And my favorite. I’m pretty sure this is intended to be sung and then auto-tuned. Also worth noting that Gebi Pridasari lists her likes as ‘her parents, God, and One Direction.’ Awesome. Keep it up, teenagers of the world. You are our future.
(Image: Dan Jackman / WENN.com)