Ladies and gentlemen, we finally have proof that Academy Award nominee Jessica Chastain is a terrible actress — she physically cannot be mean to children, even when it’s her job. I know, you guys, we’ve been treating her like she’s really talented, but I really have to put my foot down and insist that we be rational about this. To be a good actor, you have to be talented in every area, and that includes being a raging bitch to kids. If you can’t manage that, then you might as well GTFO of Hollywood, am I right?
Jessica had a role this year in Mama, that horror movie with the feral children that my editor Jenni loved so much. In her own words:
“My character is definitely the reluctant mother and wants nothing to do with children… and in the beginning she’s a bit of a bitch, unlikable and selfish who grows a heart of gold by the end. I’d rather just hang out with kids than adults any day, but I tried to be a little removed from them in the beginning; I didn’t want to scoop them up and love them because that’s not quite the character and I wanted them to be a little unsure of me. But it didn’t last long. We had little dance parties to the song Dynamite. Little Isabelle only spoke French and learned English throughout the shoot and became obsessed with that song, so we played it every day. She learned all the lyrics and we did dance parties in the trailer. The girls would make drawings for me and I posted them in my dressing room… I mean, how can you not love these girls?”
Um, excuse me, Jessica. Where and who do you think you are? On a Hollywood set or in your hometown, babysitting for your neighbors’ children? If your job is to be mean to these kids, you come onto that set and BE MEAN TO THEM! Do you think Daniel Day-Lewis would be coming onto the set and having dance parties in his trailer with these little gremlins? NO. He’d be forcing them to actually live in the woods like the script says, and taking them aside between takes to pop balloons in front of them and remind them that Santa Claus isn’t real. Get your act together, Chastain, or you’ll never make it in this Day-Lewis eat dog world. I mean honestly.
(Image: Brian To / WENN.com)