Seven are injured in New York City today following an incident in which actor Bradley Cooper attended an early morning spin class at SoulCycle without first properly sheathing his sexiness.
Things started out normally enough, with Cooper wearing “a long-sleeved shirt” and specialized goggles to shield people from the dangerous effects of his shapely man arms and ultrablue lazer eyes. But soon, he forgot himself and “ripped off his shirt near the end of class, causing a ruckus among the mostly female riders.” “Girls were literally falling off their bikes,” said Page Six‘s source. And that was not all!
I had a source of my own planted in the class, and here are some other things Bradley Cooper’s improperly stowed sexiness caused him to do. He:
-Ripped off his pants
-Ripped off his undies
-Ripped off his socks
-Gave simultaneous orgasms to a man and a woman using only his stubble beard, while still pedaling
-Recited the final monologue from Silver Linings Playbook to each woman in attendance
-Denied any romantic involvement with co-star Jennifer Lawrence
Police were called to the scene, and Cooper was initially written a summons for improper stowing of a deadly weapon, but they let him off with a warning after he winked at them. The women who were injured in the falls from their bikes and subsequent hysterical thrashing are being treated at nearby Beth Israel hospital. None were killed…this time.
(Via Page Six)