• Tue, Jan 29 2013

The Bachelor: I’m Pretty Sure That Tierra Is An Emotional Terrorist Tierra-rist

TierraAfter this week’s episode of The Bachelor, I’m losing faith in Sean Lowe as a human who is control of all his faculties, because he’s somehow not seeing through the most horrifying creature who’s ever been on the show — the infamous Tierra. It’s no accident that this girl’s name has so many sounds in common with ‘terror’. She’s an emotional terrorist tierrarist, and she must be stopped before she kills us all. Let me start from the beginning.

We went into this week with thirteen girls, which came down to two one-on-one dates and one group date with eight girls, and three girls getting no dates. According to Sean, this week is all about ‘making sure the girls trust me’. Oh great. I can’t wait to see how this turns out.

Selma gets the first one-on-one date, and The Bachelor producers are using all their favorite strategies to trick her into thinking she’s going somewhere fancy. They send a limo to pick her and Sean up, which takes them to a private plane, which takes them to…the middle of the desert. Where she and Sean are supposed to go rock-climbing. Which is a fun date until you realize that this girl has repeatedly said she’s not athletic and prefers to wear six-inch heels. Oh so this is what Sean meant when he said he wanted the girls to trust him. He’s gonna continue that made-for-television tactic of pushing the girls out of their comfort zones and seeing who cracks first. I was pretty sure this strategy was gonna completely tank with Selma because she started out so complain-y, but then all of a sudden I got proved wrong and Sean got proved right because Selma turned it out and scampered right up the rock face. I hate when that happens. They celebrate in each others’ arms and then they have dinner at a trendy trailer park and they’re leaning in, about to share their first kiss and then SCREEEEECH. Pump the brakes. There will be no kissing for Selma on national television, when Sean is still putting his lips on so many other lips. Turns out Selma’s parents are traditional, and very against her coming on the show, so she’s not comfortable kissing Sean until the end of the show. So until he proposes, essentially, because it’s not until that moment that it’s down to one girl. This will be interesting. I eagerly await learning how long Sean will be willing to wait to buy that cow until he realizes all the other cows are giving him their kissing milk for free. Also obviously these girls are not cows. They are much skinnier and more beauteous than I, so please do not mistake this for body-snarking. THANKS.

We go now to the group date, starring Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah, and Tierra. Just to be clear, Tierra is really mad that she’s going on her third group date. She deserves so much better than this, you guys, and she always gets what she wants. Except an appropriate eyebrow-pluck. She never gets that. So anyway, we’re going roller-derbying. Because that is a great idea. Whichever Einstein decided to put these girls on wheels and tell them to push each other down is a real genius. And there’s immediate payoff, because girls are falling HARD on their asses immediately. Particularly Sarah, who struggles with balance because she has one arm. I understand the benefit of working through things that are difficult and the value of an accomplishment against all odds, but was it really necessary to bring Sarah on this date? Was it a compassionate idea to have her learn to skate in front of a camera crew and to encourage her fellow competitors to bash into her? She ended up crying by the sidelines because she’s so embarrassed, and it was really hard to watch. I want to be clear that I’m not saying that a person with a disability is someone to be pitied or held back, but let’s also do ourselves a favor and listen to what this girl is saying. She’s saying she doesn’t want to do it, and I think Sean and the other girls should respect that. It was a rough situation to put her in, and it has nothing to do with her ‘not trusting’ him that she doesn’t feel comfortable with it. Everyone around her is essentially a stranger, and she’s being asked to pretend like it’s no big deal and go about her business impressing a guy on a date with seven other women. I don’t know what I would’ve wanted to happen differently, but I really didn’t like the way this went down. Luckily just as Sarah was suiting back up to start the roller derby, weird toothy model Amanda falls at slams her chin on the floor. This after she oddly lies and tells everyone she’s done roller derby when she really hasn’t, in order to get into their heads. She’s showboating around, really proud of herself, and BOOM. KARMA. She has to go to the hospital with a maybe-broken jaw and Sean cancels the roller derby and they free-skate instead.

Now we go to the after-date thing. Sean’s pulling random girls aside for chats and smooches, and Tierra is NOT. HAPPY. She gets mad at Robyn for excluding her from a conversation, and all of a sudden she’s storming around saying she wants to leave the show. She asks enough people that she finds out where Sean is (having a makeout moment with Lindsay, about to go in the hot tub), and she lurks in the shadows like a gremlin until he comes out a door and then pops out to cry at him and threaten to leave. At which point he should’ve said, “Okay crazy! Bye!” but instead he sends Lindsay away and talks Tierra down and GIVES HER THE FUCKING ROSE. Are you kidding me. You are not a real person, Sean Lowe, because that woman is giving every batshit sign there is. Pull it together.

The third date is a one-on-one for Leslie H., and I’m betting there is no way she’s coming back from it. This one actually is fancy, with Leslie getting diamond earrings beforehand and a tasteful Pretty Woman theme throughout, because if anything makes a woman feel fabulous, it’s being treated like a prostitute. She gets a new dress, shoes, purse, and necklace for the date, and she’s soooo impressed with Sean! Bitch, you know this isn’t his money! You’re on a television show, you don’t really think Sean Lowe and Neil Lane the fucking jeweler are friends, do you? This is all just extra stuff to distract Sean from the fact that he has absolutely no romantic connection with you. And lo! He agrees with me, and doesn’t give her a rose. She’s disappointed but has the presence of mind on the way out to warn him about the fact that some of the girls (Tierra) aren’t the most mentally stable (Tierra!) and that he should watch out for them (TIERRAAAAAAA!!!).

The pre-Rose Ceremony milling and drinking is pretty standard, except for some awkward, chocolate-themed kissing with Robyn and Amanda dressing like a garbage flapper. Tierra has a problem with Robyn still and Catherine and Sean talk for maybe the first time of the show. They also kiss because Sean has a lot of practicing to do. At the ceremony, Sean gives roses to Catherine, Desiree, Lindsay, Lesley, Robyn, AshLee, Sarah, Jackie, and Daniella, with no rosey-posey for Amanda. Not sure how Jackie and Daniella keep sliding under the radar since they have yet to make sustained eye contact with Sean, but I guess we’ll see next week, if Tierra lets us live that long.

(Image: ABC)

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