I don’t feel sorry for you, Allison Williams, if you get ensnared by John Mayer and his brooding, wily ways. According to standers-by, Allison and John were recently seen at the Jane Hotel together, with John’s arm around her waist, and then later at a Mexican restaurant, where they stayed till closing.
Allison is apparently dating John’s good friend Ricky Van Veen, so it’s a little premature to start panicking. But it isn’t too premature to start panicking. Did I say the same thing? In any event, let’s start panicking.
Now. I’ve talked about the perils of falling for John before. As a quick recap, I think his beautiful voice, his almost-there-in-terms-of-cuteness face and his ridiculously and illegally romantic songs make him quite the woman-catcher. I get why it works. I’ll say it once and I’ll say it a thousand times, I dare anyone to say something better than “I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.”
I want to take this opportunity to talk about you, Allison. Can I call you Allie? I’m sure some people do. I want to be one of them.
Allie, look. You are a beautiful, talented girl. I’m worried about you getting wrapped up with a bad boy. But I won’t feel bad for you if that bad boy is John Mayer because he is the bad boy of all bad boys and you know better than that.
There are a few reasons I fear that you are susceptible to falling for a bad boy.
First, you have so much that’s new. You are newly famous on one of my favorite new shows, Girls. Everything is glittery and fun and exciting. You are in the spotlight! People know your name! You are shooting sex scenes for HBO where your breasts are almost but carefully not exposed!
But do you ever get confused between real life and show life? I’m sure 10 out of 10 actresses polled would say “No, you crazy fool.”
But I can’t help but think it’s a risk. I can’t help be afraid that you would be like “Oh I could totally see this as a plot line, Marnie sleeps with a known bad boy and then has her heart broken for the rest of 2013.” And then you’d do it because you are a committed actress and Girls is all about breaking boundaries.
Don’t do that, Allie. It’s a bad idea.
Also, you have recently lost a few pounds. And I remember how empowering dropping some lbs feels. I will never forget the summer of ’90 when I “stretched out” during my growth spurt and returned to my dance classes in the fall to find a whole new array of dance costumes were available to me now that my belly wasn’t such an entity unto itself.
And with that new costume closet full of midriff baring leotards came some male attention. And that can be weird to deal with. (I realize I’m speaking to you like you have never been in a relationship before, but I’m also speaking to my tween-year-old self, so bare with me here).
Just know that with that little bit of flesh around the collarbone you haven’t also shed your feelings. It will still hurt if a guy plays you for a fool, regardless of what you look like in a bathing suit. So protect yourself. Even more now, maybe, because you have less cushioning to do that for you.
Finally, I don’t want you to be linked to yet another man. In every single interview you do, the interviewer mentions that your father is Brian Williams. I get it. It’s a fact. People like facts. So they bring them up. But I also think it sucks a little for you because being Brian William’s daughter has nothing to do with what you’re doing now.
I don’t want you to enter another situation where your name gets linked to another guy’s. Like “John Mayer’s Ex” or “John Mayer’s Future Ex.” You have too much talent for that. Don’t give it away to a bad boy. ‘Cause you are good, girl!