All The Ages Alec Baldwin Will Be At The Various Milestones Of His Baby-To-Be’s Life

19th Annual Screen Actors Guild (SAG) AwardsWhat with 30 Rock ending this Thursday and Jack Donaghy about to vanish into the ether of masculinity, Alec Baldwin had to do something to prove to his adoring fans that he’s still a man. And he came up with the best idea ever — get a lady pregnant! That’s something only a man can do, and as a bonus the results (children) tend to live for a very long time, giving constant affirmation to the fact that one day you made a sperm.

In case the labyrinth of verbage I wove for you just now was just a little too tangled, let me spell this out for you: Alec’s yoga instructor wife Hilaria Thomas is pregnant with a human baby child. Hurray! What fun! She’s 28-years old and she’s just going to LOVE being a mom for the first time! And so will Alec! He’s 54-years old and he…has a kid from his marriage to Kim Basinger. Remember her? Her name is Ireland and she’s a little piggy when she doesn’t pick up the phone for her father. She born in 1995, meaning she turns 18 this year. Hilaria was born in 1984, making her closer in age to her husband’s daughter than she is to her husband, who was born in 1958. That was a lot of numbers, huh? Pretty confusing. So let me break this down another way. Here are the ages that Alec Baldwin will be for the various milestones of this new fetus’ life:

  • BIRTH: 55 years old.
  • FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: 61 years old.
  • BAR/BAT MITZVAH (just go with it): 68 years old.
  • QUINCENERA (I mean why not?): 70 years old.
  • HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION: 73 years old.
  • DRINKING AGE: 76 years old.
  • RENT A CAR: 80 years old.

Yowzers, guys. Yowzers. And that doesn’t even take into account this kid’s wedding or when he or she has a kid of his or her own. Just to drive the point home a little further, when this unborn fetus is 25, Ireland Baldwin will be 43, Hilaria Thomas will be 54, and I will be 51. A group of peers who gather each week to watch over an aging movie star, Mr. Alec Baldwin, age 80. God help us all.

(Image: Brian To /

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    • Jeff

      so what is your point jackass? He is having a kid at an older age. Big deal. What’s your problem with this?

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I’m not sure, but I think my point is that I’m a jackass. Also that it was 5:15pm.

    • Kait

      Rude…my father is old for my age (not as old as Alec will be..) so i’d like to know.. what is your point? Age has nothing to do with being a good father, and Alec with probably be around for all of these milestones. What is your problem with this? His life, not yours. Dont be quick to judge something you probably know nothing about.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        Joke’s on you. I’m a little old man with a baby I bought from a bean salesman, so I know Alec’s predicament like the back of my wizened old hand.

      • Kait

        I don’t understand why you like to be rude to your readers. I mean, I continue to use this site anyway, but I still haven’t figured that one out…

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    • berick

      What matters isn’t his age but his parenting quality. Are you ready to rag on a 25-year-old father who can’t hold a job? That’s probably worse for the coming child than Baldwin. How about a 40-year-old investment banker with more money than Baldwin but a vicious and uncontrolled temper? Fine with you, because he isn’t old? Get real.

      • Alexis Rhiannon

        I’m ready to rag on anyone! Who do you need me to rag on??

    • EKW2188

      I’m pretty sure Alexis didn’t actually “rag on his parenting ability” – what’s wrong with poking fun at yet another older male celebrity marrying a woman young enough to be his daughter? Tale as old as time…

      • Jenni

        Alec can kinda be a beast, so it is indeed a tale as old as time

    • Donna Oades

      So fricking what?? My dad was 60 when I was born, and has been a great parent, better than many younger dads! He supported me through grammar school etc, and I’ve benefited from the fact that because he is older, he has had more experience of the world and has learnt more lessons. Unlike my mum.

    • Jem

      I realize her name is a fun take on Hillary, but it is hard for me to pronounce it without just saying “hilarious”….

    • Sarah O.

      I find it inconceivable that there is a real live person out there with the name Hilaria.

    • Jasy Laishram

      This Alexis fellow who wrote this knows very well he can’t amount even close to a person like Alex Baldwin EVER in his life,and that when Alec was Alexis’s age of 26, he was already a famous TV star, unlike this writer who,even at 26, is bitchy about other’s success.He can’t land a good-looking girl even in his youth so he is venting his frustration on Baldwin who has netted a bevy of movie stars in his life and even at 54 has a girl who would choose a 54 year old winner like Baldwin over a 26 year old nobody like Alexis.Mr.writer, we all know what people like you will be when you are 54.And loser, learn some manners before you use terms like “Fetus”, because your mother’s fetus of 26 years will NEVER make a fraction of the money that Alec or his fetus will.

      • ChiChi

        Darling, Ms. Rhiannon is a female.

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