I don’t know if you guys know this, but not all reality television is real. (Gasp! Scream! Plates shattering!) As enjoyable as your good friends the Real Housewives of Some Place In Suburbia are, the basic format of their seasons is pretty much identical throughout the franchise. This either means that bored, over-plasticked rich ladies act the exact same way from state to state, or else that there are strange, fantastical head-setted creatures known as ‘producers’ who stand behind the scenes and stir the proverbial pot. As difficult and disappointing as that might be to believe, just look on the bright side: this means that you can create your own version of these events in the comfort of your own home! You too can go on a spur-of-the-moment multi-night excursion to a tropical isle with five women you’ve openly admitted to hating, and with whom you have absolutely nothing in common. Doesn’t that sound fun and inexpensive and not at all a waste of time or money?
Well it certainly does sound fun! But in case you’re like me and don’t have thousands of dollars to throw at an un-fun trip with your mortal enemies, you can make do the next best thing: an authentic Real Housewives dinner party, with Crushable as your guide. We’ll teach you how best to set the stage to get everyone to their maximum boiling point with minimal effort.
Who should I invite?
You’re gonna need a minimum of six women, and your best bet is to invite each one to bring a plus-one, ideally someone with whom another cast member has had a recent beef. Bonus points if that beef remains unaddressed, and if there’s been a lot of gossip and backstabbing. Plan the seating arrangements to ensure that all combatants have a clear, unimpeded view of each other to maximize red-faced confrontations and finger-pointing. If you put too much distance between people who don’t like each other, it will be difficult to get a rise out of anyone.
What should I serve?
One of the best things about a Real Housewives dinner party is that food won’t be necessary, so don’t worry about slaving over your stove all day. If you do your job right, everyone will storm out or have been thrown out by the time anyone would expect food to be brought out. All you’ll need to prepare will be some brightly-colored alcoholic beverages in martini glasses. The stronger the better. If you can meet guests with them at the door, all the better. Alcohol on an empty stomach will do wonders for getting your guests comfortable with their own opinions lowering their inhibitions to a level necessary for screaming into each others’ frozen faces.
Where should I throw this party?
Good question. When selecting a suitable venue, try to find the most expensive mansion available. As a rule, large houses have more nooks and crannies into which your guests can pull each other for a private conversation, as well as pools and other water features in which to shove each other when things begin going wonderfully awry. Also expensive surfaces like granite and marble are notoriously easier to clean than less expensive materials like wood and plastic. You’ll appreciate this in the morning when you wake up to the aftermath of thrown and spilled drinks, heavily spiked with dried vomit and regret.
When should this happen?
The best time to throw a party is when everyone you know is already feuding. Stagger the arrival times so that people arrive in clumps and have an adequate amount of time to get exclusive and clique-ish by the time the next group arrives. This will maximize bullying and give everyone time to get in the ‘party head-space’, in case they foolishly showed up to a social event assuming they were going to have a fun time. I can’t emphasize this strongly enough: your job as host is to make sure everyone is pitted against each other, so arm yourself with an extensive knowledge of who is angry at each other and remind them of these arguments in case they were flirting with letting them go. If people leave this event in a good mood, you have let them down as party-planner. As a last-ditch option to stir up a suitable amount of drama, just invite someone who multiple attendees have slept with. It’s a quick, convenient way to ensure that tensions are high.
There. Did you get all that? I hope so, because every element is crucial, and without even one, you might end up with a boring, drab party where not one single person gets champagne in their hair. And if that happens, what the hell are we all gonna talk about in Bimini next week. Because you’re still coming to Bimini, right gurl?!?