Remember last week when Beyonce sang the national anthem at the Presidential Inauguration and it gave you uncharacteristic patriotic chills? And then you found out IT WAS ALL A LIE?! I remember. You remember, Joe Biden remembers. And how awkward– she’s performing at the Superbowl 47 Halftime Show this Sunday! This was a national crisis, and our wounds of disappointment are still raw. Up to now, she’s essentially left it alone, until yesterday when she released this image on Instagram with the caption– “Can I Live?” It’s like she’s saying “Why you mad, America?”
Uhh, we’re mad because we like our performers to perform. Not performing their performances. Soo we’re all looking forward to Sunday as Beyonce’s opportunity to reinstate herself as the national treasure we know as the lead vocals of Bug-a-Boo We’ve got more than a few ideas for the Queen B to get back to where we feel ok that she runs the world.
1. A Complete Destiny’s Child Reunion
Sure, Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland are supposed to be there, we know. But we want the girls from The Writing’s on The Wall. LaTiva Robertson and LeToya Luckett deserve a bit of props. There could be a 6-part harmony of Say My Name. Imagine how cool that would be! And Tina Knowles would design the costumes, and you would listen to their songs on your “music clip.” Things would be simple like they were when you were in middle school.
2. DANCE OFF!
It’s that easy. Pull a Video Phone and have Lady Gaga dance next to her, and we’ll all be like— Who cares if she can sing? The movements of her body defy the laws of physics. She’s so much better than other pop stars. Chantay, you stay.
3. Hang upside down.
Like when she did it at the MTV VMA’s in 2005. It’s penance for violating our trust. Like theatrical, glam waterboarding.
Rotating platforms with baskets of beagle puppies give the crew something to pan to if your track skips. And with this generation of viewers, puppies are instantly entertaining. So go for cute overload if you need to.
5. Just do this:
We know you’re capable of this, Beyonce. That’s what the big deal’s all about. We’re not mad, we’re just disappointed. Just sing some ole’ fashioned, manipulatively inspirational showtunes, and the goosebumps will happen.
Or if all else fails, the sports fans of America would probably love to see you Gangnam Style.