• Fri, Jan 25 2013

Why I Love To Hate Adam Levine

People's Choice Awards Press Room

It may have become apparent to regular readers of this website by now that I have a bit of a hate-on for Maroon 5 frontman, The Voice judge, and all-around dufus Adam Levine. Whether I’m celebrating his untimely death on American Horror Story or looking askance at his upcoming Saturday Night Live hosting gig, he fills me with a distaste almost too intense for words. Even when he is doing things I approve of, I recoil. His smug screed about the miracles of magic mushrooms, for instance, almost ruined my favorite Wednesday night activity forever.

But how, you ask, can I hate someone I don’t even know? I think at this point it’s important to differentiate between Adam Levine, private individual, and Adam Levine, the product. I have no idea what he’s like behind closed doors; perhaps he’s a nice guy who only plays a ridiculous douchenozzle on TV. When I say I hate Adam Levine, what I really mean is, “based on all of his publicly published output thus far.” But I think you can assume that about every celebrity we write about.

I’ll break it down by number.

1.) His face

I am not going to argue that Adam Levine is not attractive. He is, infuriatingly so. But there’s something about the expression he wears in every photo that makes him look supremely smug and punchable. I bet people try to fight him a lot. I would.

2.) His music

If ever there was a person who has not earned the right to cover himself head to toe in cool tattoos, it is Adam Levine. Maroon 5 is the worst example of cloying white boy pseudo-funk to rule the radio charts in quite some time. It’s the same thing over and over again and really annoying. It is a lifeless, soulless, dead, ugly thing, produced at the precise timbre at which joy dies. I want to throw up just thinking about his affected pronunciations. At least John Mayer owns up to his own obnoxiousness somewhat. And it is everywhere. You can’t buy orange juice or ride an elevator without the dumb whistle hook to Moves Like Jagger slicing through your soul like a knife.

“But it’s catchy!” you say. Yeah, so’s ebola. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to claw my brain out after having that thing burrow deep inside like an alien parasite over the course of a simple beer run? If you think this is fun party music, there’s a good chance you’re currently being held in one of the many underground detention centers being secretly run by the US government, and that they have succeeded in breaking you.

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  • unknown

    calm down, adam levine is awesome AND TALENTED and sooooooo good lookin. maroon 5 are not obnoxious, their music is amazing and all 5 of them; mickey, jesse, james, matt, and adam are soo talented. did i mention they are all attractive….

  • slinxie

    Haha, I LOVE this. I feel the same way about Ryan Seacrest, my sworn enemy. No, I don’t know him personally, but I hate everything about him.

    • Jenni

      OMG are you me? Because he’s also my sworn enemy and I have no valid reason to say that.

    • Larissa

      Agreed. But after reading this, I realized you gotta hand it to Seacrest for one thing…he doesn’t try to represent himself as an “artist” of any kind. Adam Levine…STAHP.

    • jamiepeck

      I never thought I’d say this, but point Seacrest!

    • hello

      Adam is an artist, hes absolutely AMAZING, having seen M5 live was the best thing ever they’re better live and no one can sing like adam…

    • zemel

      I agree I can’t stand the guy either, I can’t even look at him.

  • Sandy

    I don’t care what anyone says. I love him. Smugness, tats, music, promiscuity and all. :)

  • trish

    Wow! Did he hurt you, Jamie? Such negativity… With that kind of talent which reaps that kind power, what would you do? He had, what? 3 years to work hard so that Songs of Jane would one of the best selling albums. M5 did all that, its kinda hard working 3 years for just one album and not giving up totally. Give him a break. He’s just enjoying his rewards. Nobody tells you how to enjoy yours. Somebody had to clean up after his mess, he is messy. But he deserves that, don’t you think? With M5, he worked hard, really hard to get where he is at now. He’s gotta live. Life’s to short. You might want to try that too, without being to harsh. Relax. Just watch his concert and let loose and be entertained.

  • Jenn!!

    You can say how much you cant stand him but ya know what.. he is AMAZING to his fans.. SO THANKFUL.. and you can believe me or not but I met him enough times to know.. He says THANK YOU all the time. And sorry you think his face looks “smug and punchable” Hes hot end of stoy and in my book (AND PLENTY OF OTHERS) do NOT feel that way.. Sorry.. (not sorry) hes ALL OVER THE PLACE!!! His fans including myself are LOVING IT!

  • http://www.facebook.com/RichieModel Richie Mo

    FINALLY!! someone feels the same way about douchebag Adam Levine as I do. The guy’s a complete tool and probably a closet homosexual (his brother is apparently gay) Anyone who would actually take their shirt off and show off his fake, goofy tattoo’s and his skinny, pale, and non-defined body during SNL’s opening monologue is a complete douche. I hope he catches HIV, since he’s SOOO proud about all the women (and men) he sleeps with.

  • youreanuglydouche

    I just took a look at your picture and wonder how you could possibly comment on someones appearance. It’s all about preference and personal opinion. It would appear you are in the minority. As Adam once said about someone bad mouthing another performer, just leave him alone. His fans don’t care about your opinion or what you think of him or what you think about anyone for that matter. I suspect he isn’t the only one you hate. It sounds like you are writing about what you know, hating people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000270870803 Kenneth Williams

    You need to turn off your TV an get a life.

  • xwdj

    Why the fuck would you hate him!? He’s a great human being. Stop posting this shit on your stupid crappy site, thanks.

  • Setareh Levine

    Wow… And people actually read the stuff you write? I thought the age of absent-minded judgement has passed but you are an exception I guess…

    Have you ever heard “She will be loved” or “Won’t go home without you” or “Goodnight goodnight”? Just asking…. Are their lyrics look awful to you?

    His face annoys you? You have a problem with who he’s dating? you think he has an attitude just because he thinks Honey Boo Boo is just bullshit????

    I’m sorry, I can’t write anymore cause I think I just wasted 2minutes of my life explaining things that you don’t understand….

    Get a life and WRITE not trash someone….

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  • Maroon5Loverx

    Who even is this? 1)there’s nothing fucking wrong with his face and he doesn’t have a smug on him! 2) Maroon 5′s music is not soulless and doesn’t sound the same because they have a unique sound and I bet you haven’t even heard their old music? 3) he is actually such a nice down to earth guy in real life and hilarious! 4) LISTEN TO MORE THAN JUST MOVES LIKE JAGGER YOU IDIOT, THEY HAVE MORE THAN ONE FUCKING SONG! LISTEN TO THE LYRICS AND GET YOUR ASS OUTTA HERE! “And she will bee loovvvedddd”

  • http://twitter.com/bessvonroth bess.

    Quite frankly, I think you’re a terrible person; I think this is a terrible article; and it has no place on the internet. First of all. Adam’s face is beautiful. You are probably jealous because of his absolute hotness. Perhaps it is clouding your judgement. He’s the single hottest guy ever. Second, his music. To judge a person based upon one song, that’s terrible. Moves is not there best song. I suggest you listen to “Wasted Years” and “Wipe Your Eyes”, some older stuff like “Sunday Morning”, “Tangled” and “Can’t Stop”, (if you want rock, go with Not Coming Home) and when you’re done, feel free to have an opinion. The lyrics are a METAPHOR, which is something you don’t understand since I’m sure your education is from community college or something equally horrible. LISTEN TO STEREO HEARTS. Is there a legitimate stereo beating in his chest? NO. IT IS A METAPHOR.
    Finally on his attitude. Adam is like me; he was raised in an upper-middle class Jewish household. There’s a lot to be said for that kind of parenting. The kids usually come out sure of themselves and very entitled, but READ SOME GLADWELL. Entitlement, to some limits, is good. Adam’s got ADHD, which makes it really rude to hate on some of his characteristics. It’s OKAY to like attention. It’s okay to date one profession of people. It’s okay to like the other sex. It’s okay to like sex in the first place!! He’s not a bad person, listen to his music. You’ll see he’s emotionally strained most of the time. (Give a Little More, Misery, Never Gonna Leave This Bed…) These girls don’t treat him right.
    Adam is a fantastic person. He does fantastic work and he deserves to be respected for it. He is a gay-rights activist. He paints schools in Mexico while on tour. If he chooses to smile a certain way or date certain girls, who are you to judge him?
    P.S. I think you’re a terrible person and probably an anti-Semite.

  • lucy

    Ok seriously you may hate him for whatever he has done
    and yea I agree with you on the whole woman loving thing or whatever
    but what you say and the reason you cant stand him or hate him and his music and his attitude and the way he looks and his lyrics ( and seriously dude its a song it doesn’t really have to make sense the way you want it to be, that’s only you and the other few people like you.) What you say is not going to change everyone’s mind about Adam Levine. That’s what you think (and again people like you).Don’t expect everyone to listen to you.
    Oh and if you hate him so much then why the hell would you waste your time in writing two pages all about him? ( even though its all shit about him).
    Oh and Jamie peck your full of shit.

  • lucy

    AND YEA DUDE LISTEN TO SOME OTHER SONGS BY HIM IF U HATE MOVES LIKE JAGGER SO FUCKIN MUCH. I think your “HATERS” have already given you some examples. and yea you really need to listen to she will be loved, never gonna leave this bed, the sun, payphone, stereo hearts, daylight ,misery, this love ,Sunday morning. Is that enough for you or are you going to write another few pages about these songs too?
    Get a life for god’s sake.

  • http://twitter.com/mushedroom rich kim

    you forgot to mention that he’s an autotune whore!

    and that he sounded like shit when he TRIED horribly to sing 311′s version of the Cure’s “love song” on the voice. sadly his minion had to bail him out but they had been tainted by him and were all singing random melodies like their hallowed coach

  • Michael

    Oh sheeple, (below) he’s got you right where he wants you. Continue to buy his records because that’s all he cares about. Of course he appreciates his fans! You are his income.

  • AustralianFan

    LOL! I found your story very entertaining – witty even!

    Unlike you – I love Adam Levine. Love him. Everything about him. “Hands All Over”… if you insist.

    I will conceed he does seem to have a bit of an unhealthy attraction to models… but hey, he has a shit hot body – if I had a body as tight as that, I’d be choosey too.

    I think his record sales / mass wealth would have to prove you wrong with your claims that his persona / music isn’t any good. You are entitled to your opinon, however.

    Points out of 10… I definitely give him one.

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