What smells like a wet coonskin cap, tastes like flat coors light and lasts 30 minutes longer than it should? That’s right, rangers. It’s another episode of Buckwild. As the show putters along like the failing engine of a mud-smeared pickup truck, we delve deeper into the minds of these artistically tortured WV young men and women, stifled by the ennui of living in a small, backwater town with a strict embargo on dancing and music. Oh no, that’s Footloose. Buckwild is the YA version of Honey Boo Boo. In past weeks, I thought that the issue with these kids was that they drank too much. But it dawned on me that the problem with this show is that nobody is drunk enough. It’s kind of like wild and crazy kids but with a malt liquor buzz… But in either case, I watched it! It’s cultural immersion, and I’m proud of my fieldwork. This week’s theme is country gender norms, so get ready for a hell of alot of facepalms.
Shain is still the only character who necessitates subtitles, and then we meet his parents. Yes. These people have guardians. They taunt him about his truck, and he waxes poetic about his love for his baby—“I get more attached to my trucks than I do to my girlfriends, because they don’t bitch at me.” (Facepalm) Alas though, he brings his baby to the junkyard, and it’s crushed into a tin and metal snowball. Shain sheds a tear. Then they return to the ranch to prepare for the episode’s main event. Because the rodeo’s comin’ to town!
And you’re sorely mistaken if you think this gang is missing a rodeo. It’s one of the main things hill people look forward to. Particularly excited is Ashley, who can’t wait to be one of the only girls on the bull, because she plans to look hot and attract some country boys. Forget combating gender inequality, She just wants to look hot. (Double facepalm) So they decide to make a bet that if the boys win, they have to make the girls dinner in their underwear. Aaaand guess who wins? I had my fingers actually crossed for the girls, but they’re all tossed from the ornery bull like ragdolls, and the boys collect on their wager. So they make the boys dinner in their frilly lingere from DEB and it’s anticlimactic. Shain makes a toast to their feminine agreeableness—“Hope this dinner tastes as good as y’all look!” Rub-a-dub-dub thanks for the grubs. And the ringworm.
Oh, I forgot about that unlikely romance happening out here in Appalachia. Joey and Shae are still passionately “talking”, despite the fact that homegirl is 20,000 leagues out of Joey’s ballpark and he has multiple pairs of this shirt. And he still calls himself Justin Beaver—whether or not they cut it from the opening. But at the urging of Ashley, and the promise that “if he takes Shae on a date and makes it legit, he can have any ass, any time he wants for like six months” (I now have a massive red handprint on my forehead from all the facepalms) Joey invites his fair lady on an outing to the bluegrass kitchen.
They have probably the most uncomfortable meal I’ve seen on TV for the last six months—she picks at a chicken wrap and talks while he grunts and stares at the wall—and thus ends the date. If this chick were in her right mind, this would be the last time I’d ever want to see this dude. But no, she wants to reward him for trying so hard on this date—WHAT??—so she dresses up as a naughty schoolgirl for him and they grope clumsily. Forget about the fact that these boys are rewarded for nothing, which is a problem. The indignity of this is eclipsed by the fact that Shae has a blacklight in her room. Yack. Talk about spooge city. How does this girl sleep at night?
Next week, more arson! More smelly sex, and more reasons to watch and feel better about the fact that you live in a city. And this deer judges the gang, hard.
(Images from MTV.com)