Winning child beauty pageants is hard. In the midst of increasingly fierce competition, parents turn to expensive outfits, caffeinated beverages, and even human breast milk to gain that extra edge. Why bother even showing up if you’re going to risk anything less than perfection?
Breast milk, you say? Duh, breast milk. Those untrained in the ways of child beauty might not know this, but that magical, milky victory elixir turns losers into winners and blows “go go juice” right out of the developmentally appropriate water.
At least, according to one mom named Holly who was featured on last night’s Toddlers and Tiaras. Because she’s allergic to failure, she still breast feeds her three-year-old daughter Natali—(Your first clue she’s a genius: how she spells her kid’s name)—despite the fact that she’s old enough to execute complex, Mexican-inspired choreography on her own.
“As a mom, I just feel like I should do everything I possibly can to protect Natali and give her everything she needs to win,” explains Holly of the decision to keep her on the sauce. “And if other people don’t like it, they just don’t have to look.”
Do you hear that, haters? If the brilliant, golden light given off by all that winning blinds you, you may simply avert your eyes and continue on your losery way. It’s not her fault if you’re not willing to do whatever it takes to be the breast. Now, if you will excuse them, these glorious winners have a plastic trophy to polish and a $50 Claire’s gift card to spend.