• Thu, Jan 24 2013

The 28 Most Hilarious Parts Of American Horror Story

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After a first season many thought unbeatable in its multiplicity of bizarre story lines, American Horror Story may have outdone itself with Asylum. It was disturbing, crowded, and absolutely insane. But all good things must come to an end. (And some bad things too, like Adam Levine‘s microphone hand.) Let’s begin.

Bloodyface Junior is wandering around the abandoned Briarcliff listening to his mom’s audiobook as he hallucinates memories of his parents. He wasn’t breastfed, so of course he is too dumb to just read it.

So we meet again, Adam Levine. I wasn’t about to re-watch earlier episodes, but I can’t say I’m not pleased to watch you get your arm chopped off again.

Bono drew a picture of Lana on a plane. This is TV shorthand for “you’ve become a monster.”

Oh look, Lana is a famous gay TV journalist now with a hot artist girlfriend and a super nice house who gets interviewed by younger journos. Plus, she has only aged like ten years between the 60s and now. I knew she’d be okay.

“It wasn’t justice, it was ambition.” Lana is better than 99.9% of journalists for admitting this, so why do I still get the feeling we are supposed to think she’s been Destroyed By Ambition?

“With TV, words, they’re less important.” Don’t sell yourself short, Lana! (Or maybe she is only pretending to sell herself short to justify why she wanted to be on the teevee?)

“There is nothing more stimulating than crazy people.” Lana, you old newshound.

It is highly amusing to see Briarcliff through the eyes of a TV journalist, because fucking finally. I guess it was bad by 1960s standards, after all.

Lana’s report on Briarcliff is just like Geraldo Rivera‘s 1970s era expose on Willowbrook State School. Lana=Geraldo. Good for her!

That orderly is way too forthcoming with Lana. Someone’s getting fired! Oh wait, no: someone is completely made up. That makes more sense.

Can we talk for a second about what a dreamy ’70s babe Kit Walker is with his shaggy hair and his poncho and his two alien babies? This is such an improvement over the inappropriate lust I felt for him as Ghost Boyfriend last season.

Kit got Jude out of Briarcliff, hooray! But after a whole season of everyone trying and failing to get out, are we really to believe they just handed her over to him?

He needed to be there for his kids, so he had to forgive Jude for Briarcliff. I LOVE YOU, KIT WALKER.

Aaaw, Kit’s alien children cured Jude of her crazy in the misty woods behind his house and now she is happy enough to swing dance. Did they summon their alien caretakers? Why are the aliens suddenly cool and magical and not probe-y and scary?

Oh no, Jude has a mysterious nosebleed disease! They really should get some TV scientists on that because it is killing off all our TV characters.

“Don’t ever let a man tell you who you are or make you feel like you are less than he is. It’s 1971 and you can do anything you want.” Aw, Jude is such a feminist. This speech is so nice it almost makes up for all of the rapes and sterilizations we’ve been forced to watch thus far.

“Are you sure you’re ready this time?” If only all angels of death could be this considerate and come with such a pretty leitmotif. The Hot Topic wings are still dumb, though.

Lana accosts the Monsignor (now a cardinal) Fox News style. I love it. It’s not her fault his guilt got to him and he offed himself! He should have died on the cross back when Santa was around, really. I weep not for him.

Aw, the alien babies grew up to be a doctor and a lawyer. I guess the aliens were just nice Jewish people all along.

Kit died of cancer was re-kidnapped by the aliens in his 40s, but his beautiful face only ever had one wrinkle, so let’s look on the bright side.

Lana knew her secret kid was in her house all along waiting to kill her, but she didn’t say anything about it because…why? She already said she’d lied in her book. Is she ready to die? Or does she think she can take him?

He killed the donut guy? That’s just rude.

“I always knew this day would come,” she says to her angry son. That’s awfully pessimistic, isn’t it? Wasn’t there a chance he would find some nice adoptive parents who taught him not to be a murderer?

Wait, why wouldn’t Lana own up to recognizing her son when he started murdering people? Because she lied in her book? Maybe she is kind of a bitch, after all.

How was that tape up for sale on Ebay? Shouldn’t it be in an evidence locker or something? The cops need to keep better track of things.

Lana couldn’t love her rape baby, so she gave him up. And now he has come back to murder her! If that’s not an endorsement of abortion over adoption, I don’t know what is.

For a moment, it seems like Lana’s going to reconcile with young Johnny, but then she blows his brains out instead.

1.) I know the guy’s unstable, but he’s wanted to kill Lana for a loooong time. This is a guy who murders hookers and librarians. (But he also murdered Adam Levine, so let’s call it even.) Would he really soften to motherly love that quickly? 2.)

2.) Did she really need to kill her son? Couldn’t she have shot him in the leg or something? I get it that he constituted a clear and present danger to her, but this seems more…personal? Regardless: I knew Lana was a survivor. All that talk about her remorse over her son during the interview was a set up! Plus it made her look good. You call it conniving, I call it smart.

And then they flash back to Sister Jude telling Lana that a woman’s ambition will destroy her in this sexist world. I’m not saying Lana’s not a rather dark character, but destroyed? I don’t think so. She’s rich and famous and has a hot girlfriend, and now she’s removed the one thing standing between her and dying peacefully in her sleep. I’d say she did okay, even if she might not be all simple and “aw shucks” and morally pure like Kit. LANA WINS.

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