Welcome to Week Three of The Bachelor with Sean Lowe. Week THREE. Just bear that in mind as you traverse this recap. These people have known each other for three weeks and hung out one, maybe two, maybe three times.
The first person chosen for a one-on-one date this week is Lesley M., of bared midriff fame at the last group date. It was only a matter of time before he wrangled that bellybutton into a solo situation. They also kissed in front of all the ladies, so naturally Sean and the producers decided to up the ante and have the two of them go for the world record for longest on-screen kiss. Totally normal first date, kissing for three minutes and sixteen seconds on a stage in Hollywood…surrounded by people. I feel like someone’s been reading my posts from last year when I noticed he was a bad kisser on The Bachelorette and told the producers to dispel that rumor. But spoiler alert: he’s still a sucky makeout. Absolutely no idea what to do with his sleepy eel tongue. But Lesley repeatedly tells the camera that she really enjoyed it, and that she’s falling in love with Sean. WEEK THREE. Come on, ABC, I’m not a muttonhead.
The group date is twelve girls — Kacie, Robyn, Leslie H., Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsay, Daniella, Jackie, and Tierra — who have to compete against each other in beach volleyball to earn the second half of their date. The Blue Team wins, and Kristy and Leslie H. cry because that is an appropriate response. The six who stay are Desiree, Robyn, Kacie, Lindsay, Amanda, and Jackie. More creepy too-soon weirdness ensues, as he kisses Lindsay and Desiree in their alone time, and Amanda calmly starts a conversation with the sentence, “If we were to get married…” Desiree thinks Amanda is creepy and has a secret beef with her, except it’s not secret because Kacie notices it and drunkenly(?) complains to Sean about it. She says she’s stuck between a rock and a hard place because their disagreement isn’t allowing her to be herself. “This has been hard for me. It hurts me.” In her interview she explains that she hopes Sean finds the drama unattractive and sends one or both of the other girls home, but it backfires when he asks he why she’s involving herself and says, “I want you to act like Kacie. Not like this crazy person I’m seeing.” I’m hoping she was just drunk and not an actual loon. Lindsay gets the rose. Strong work for a woman who showed up to this competition drunk and in a wedding dress.
The second one-on-one date is with AshLee…annnnnd Selma? Nope, Tierra just pretended that it was a two-person date when she was reading the date card. This makes her even less popular with the other women then she already was. Shortly before AshLee is supposed to leave on her date with Sean, Tierra realizes that no one has looked at her in a full thirty-nine seconds and falls down the stairs. The medics come and have Tierra in a foam collar and strapped onto a gurney and everything, but then Sean shows up as well and Tierra has a tantrum until they let her up, at which point she feels well enough for snuggle time with Sean while AshLee waits for him down in the kitchen. Finally they get to leave, though, wearing the traditional white lace dress that you’re apparently required to wear whenever you go on a solo date with Sean. For this date, the show has bought out Six Flags and invited two chronically ill kids to share the park with them. And in the only actual genuine moment of the whole episode, they’re best friends who have spoken online but never gotten to meet each other in real life. They have a fun time and it’s pretty great. Later, during alone time, AshLee talks about the abuse she endured in her first foster home and her subsequent adoption. It makes Sean cry and then they kiss and dance and she says in an interview that she’s falling in love with him. Again — THREE WEEKS.
Back at the mansion, the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony essentially becomes a massive game of hide and seek, with various women taking Sean into a secluded location and desperately talking at him until another lady ferrets out their hiding spot and takes him away under another arbor somewhere. It might just be editing, but essentially every thirty seconds someone is showing up with the catchphrase, “Can I steal him away?” and scurrying off into the darkness in a rustle of silk gown and jabbering flirting. Desiree took Sean away from Tierra and then Tierra reappeared in a puff of bratty smoke to take him back. It. Was. Intense. And even more girls hate her now. More various kisses happen, and then the second heartwarming moment of the show (okay so I lied when I said there was only one) comes when Sean surprises Sarah by bringing her adorable dog Leo to the house so she can visit with him. He feels bad because she didn’t get to go on a date this week, which essentially means she was stuck at the house sunbathing and relaxing for however many days. Tough life.
So Lesley, Lindsay, and AshLee are coming into the Rose Ceremony with roses from their dates, but everyone else is up for grabs. Sean takes Kacie aside to send her home discreetly, after deciding that he was wrong when he thought he could move her out of the friendzone. Also when he noticed that she was a crazy pot-stirring drinker lady. Lacking any further drama, the producers decided to pretend like there was a question that Desiree wouldn’t get a rose, editing the footage so it looks like she gets called last, even though you can clearly see a rose already in her hand as the other women are being called. Also he’s kissed her already, so get real. Nice try, ABC. Your show has lost all credibility.
The women who don’t get roses are Taryn and Kristy, with Jackie soon to come, I’m assuming, as I barely recognized her when they cut to her face during the group date. Also he hasn’t kissed her yet or mentioned that he could see himself falling in love with her. Which is pretty much a kiss of death after knowing a guy for three weeks, am I right? THREE WEEKS.