Last night was the season, sorry, series premiere of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. Kourtney and Khloe took New York last time, my bad. These shows all blend together. There’s been four variations of Kardashian shows at this point. Name and name take city is a no fail combination in E!’s opinion so the title is basically irrelevant. Anyway, this time Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian are in Miami to revamp their Miami Dash store, but Khloe Kardashian’s there too. And Scott Disick. And Kourtney’s children. So, like I said, the title really doesn’t matter other than it provides a location change that allows bikini bodies to be shown off and the chance to say “Margarita!” a lot.
During the first episode, the plot points and their eventual resolution is predictable. The sisters check on the Dash store… and it’s a mess! Scott doesn’t come to Miami with Kourtney… but then he shows up! Kourtney gets angry at Scott for going out at night… but he was just driving around her drunk sisters and she admits she was wrong! Kim gets mad at Khloe for prying into the state of her divorce… but they make up! Pretty much everything is resolved in the end, setting us up with a new blank slate for the next episode.
But overriding plot lines are not the reason anyone watches the Kardashians. You can insert your own joke here on why no one watches the Kardashians for any reason, but I watch because there are random little bits that actually are funny or semi-relatable or just plain weird and entertaining. Also, the clothes. I like their clothes. Sue me.
This episode has a number of funny bits almost all of which came from Khloe. Top moments: Calling Kim “Maya Angelou” after she dramatically explains how she keeps calm during her crazy long divorce process, calling the subject of said divorce “The Humpty Dump,” and asking “How much do you wanna bet Kim’s outfit will be black, cream, or white” a comment on Kim’s new, sleek wardrobe revamped by her boo, Mr. Kanye West himself.
Speaking of Kan-YE,– emphasis on the YE as Kim pronounces it– he sends Kim a fluffy white Persian kitten named Mercy as a gift in this episode. And let me tell you, it is adorable! This was by far the cutest Kardashian episode ever. If the cat idea was in actuality a plant by the producers, then good call producers. Kim carries the KardashiKat around everywhere with her including out with Khloe and their friend Jonathan for drunk food and drunk purchasing of neon colored YOLO pants, t-shirts, and hats from a boardwalk store. Of course this causes her to wake up the next morning not able to find the cat. Dun-dun-dun!! Khloe suggests she search through her phone pictures for evidence which is hilariously Hangover-like, but at the same time not so hilarious because it’s about a lost animal. Everything ends up fine when Kim realizes Mercy stayed with Jonathan overnight. Detracting from the cuteness: Kim has to at one point ask iPhone robot Siri what to do about kitten constipation and dingleberries. Great.
Also cute, Kourtney’s son, Mason. On the drive from the airport to the hotel, Mason is very excited about Miami and waxes poetic about his arrival: “I love the beach and life.” Positive kid. Detracting from the cuteness this time: Mason’s baby sister Penelope — who’s only contribution to this episode is the vomit she spews all over Kourtney’s arm. Infancy is a pretty good excuse for not adding anything to the show, so I forgive you this time, Penelope.
The episode ends with Scott, who looked and acted like a normal, chill dude this whole episode, shaving his beard, changing into his typical flashy clothing, and declaring that “Lord Disick is back!” aka Scott is going to be in the remaining episodes and has to turn back into what is hopefully a caricature of himself. We also end with the sisters deciding they need to find a bigger Dash location aka something to explain why they’re all staying in Miami. And Kourtney saying, after seeing Kim with Mercy, that she can’t wait to see Kim as a mom aka OMG FORESHADOWING, Y’ALL! You can bet your butt that there’s gonna be a lot of lead up to *SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE LIVING IN CAVES* Kim’s pregnancy before it’s ever revealed. So expect a lot time devoted to things like cat dingleberries on the way there.