Last night famed NFL quarterback Lance Armstrong joined Lindsay Lohan’s godmother Oprah at a strip club to talk about the time he did meth before his 3rd Tour de France race. I think. No one’s really covering this interview on the Internet, so it’s somewhat hard to know exactly what happened. But thanks to the Long Island psychic and Hollywood Life’s body langugae expert , I think I got the basics down. Which means I know what happened and I know what didn’t happen. And guys, I’m sorry to report a lot didn’t happen.
Actually more than a lot. While everyone expected him to finally confess to doing mad drugs during his racing days, I think we also expected him to fess up to a little bit more than that. I was personally hoping to solve some shelved Unsolved Mysteries with all his truth-telling airtime. But alas, he’s still staying mum about the following things:
1. Who really built the pyramids in Egypt? Was it aliens? Aliens on steroids? Aliens using steroids to ride bicycles that capable of pulling one-ton stones?
2. Where are the women who tell their friends they’re eating the most amazing desserts ever, only to reveal that it’s Yoplait? How do they still have friends?
3. How many body language experts use that job description as a cover for being in the CIA?
4. Can my dog understand me or am I giving him too much credit?
5. Who are the people who confuse DiGiornio with delivery?
6. What’s Michelle Obama trying to cover up with her new bangs? A pimple or what?
7. How many Bluth Family jokes should someone understand to be invited to an Arrested Development season four marathon party?
8. Do you have any suggestions for how to pull off a helmet if you have an oval-shaped face?
9. Atlantis? Real or not?
10. How do we know Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen didn’t get switched as infants and we’ve been calling Ashley Mary-Kate and Mary-Kate Ashley?
11. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck saved up his money from previous woodchucking sessions and invested in a woodchipper?
12. What if God was one of us?
13. How do the people who make bad lip readings do such a good job?!
14. Exactly how many emoticons do you use when you drunk text Sheryl Crow?
15. Yo, what is the deal with this Manti Te’o fake girlfriend hoax?