As the Asylum season of American Horror Story draws to a close, we get to follow some of Briarcliff’s inmates outside those loathsome walls to see what kind of lives they’ve built for themselves in the real world. Unfortunately, you can never really leave Briarcliff; once you’ve picked up that baggage, it will follow you wherever you go, infecting others as well. Luckily, there are still many moments of comic relief to cheer you up.
1. Kit is living with Grace and Alma in some sort of Big Love style situation where he alternates who he sleeps with? I didn’t think he had that kind of thing in him. But maybe it is the ultimate expression of his niceness, as everyone I know would be like “sorry Grace, but my wife is alive after all, this was all a huge misunderstanding, here’s some money, let’s stay friends.”
2. Of course the cops are not going to protect the family from intruders and/or aliens. They are racist against blacks, twinks, and people who believe in aliens.
3. Alma is legitimately annoyed that Grace 1.) loves the aliens who abducted, probed and almost killed her, 2.) talks about it all the time to their kids, and 3.) is an axe murderer. And Kit and Grace are just kind of like “whatevs.” Maybe he is more of a dick than I thought.
4. A year has gone by, and Pepper is still smart, and nobody was ever like “WTF happened, Pepper?” Whatever, Pepper for president.
5. Big ups to whoever chose “All Along The Watchtower” to play on the jukebox. There must be some kind of way out of here, indeed. But isn’t Jude supposed to be dead? IS SHE A GHOST WHO DOESN’T KNOW SHE’S DEAD? ‘Sup, first season?
6. What the heck is going on? Was the Angel of Death arrested? What’s she doing in human form? Why isn’t she nice anymore? WHERE’S HER TINY HAT?
7. Aw, I feel like she shanked that guy for Jude’s benefit. Someone has a cru-ush!
8. So the Monsignor shows up, tells Sister Jude he’s going to get her out, and then she magically loses two years and starts hallucinating the angel of death? This is not what I wanted for her.
9. But who cares about Sister Jude anyway because PEPPER IS DEAD?! No, no, no. This cannot be. I’m just going to pretend the aliens have squirreled her away for a while, because a dark, creepy world without Pepper is a dark, creepy world I want no part in.
10. So Lana is a famous author now. Good for her! But she’s tortured by visions of Dr. Thredson and Wendy, who are mad about the little details she fudged. Thredson is a rapist and murderer, so he can shut the fuck up. But how did Lana sweep her lesbianism under the rug? Weren’t they calling her “the Sapphic reporter” in the last episode? Inconsistent!
11. Kit seeks out Lana at her reading, only to find that she’s a total bitch now. She was on the Dick Cavett show, compares herself to Truman Capote, and says things like “I found my voice”…welcome to the New York media establishment, Lana! I can’t wait to read about your farts on Thought Catalog.
12. Alma murdered Grace with an axe, did not pass go and went straight to the looney bin. I don’t want to sound like some sort of law and order nut, but she did not seem insane to me. Doesn’t anyone go to jail in 1960s Boston?
13. …And now she’s dead. Again. For no reason. Do we believe it? Or is it like the boy who cried wolf?
14. Jude: “I am hard. It’s whats kept me alive.” I do not believe that you are alive, Lana. I do not believe anything anymore.
15. Of course Bloodyface Junior is a stoner. I bet he doesn’t even have a job. (“Hot serial killer” does not count as a job.) How does he have money for manscaping?
16. Wait, isn’t it still 1968? How is he grown up already? WHAT’S GOING ON?
17. Why would Lana lie about her rape baby dying? Nobody would fault her for putting him up for adoption. I guess she really is a New York media fabulist now.
18. Wait, Bloodyface Junior is supposed to be 48?! Lookin’ good, killer.
19. Blah blah blah I’m gonna kill my mother blah. This is why you should’ve had that abortion, Lana. All of this could have been avoided.