Rooney Mara is the latest celebrity to say that she dreads the red carpet, and hates that at the end of the red carpet there’s usually a party, not a dark hole under a bridge she can crawl into. Even Jennifer Lawrence had an awkward everybody-is-looking-at-me moment at the Golden Globes when she realized she just had to pose with her award and not say anything.
Okay. I get it. You guys are real actors. You don’t do it for the fame or fortune or freebies. You do it for the craft. And I love that about you.
But come on. You hate the red carpet???
First of all, the red carpet is like, not that long. You go from point A to point B, you have to stop and take pictures a bit along the way. And at the end of the day, just a rug to walk on. It’s not a jungle you have to navigate with a machete. I mean, we’ve all seen the anaconda attack in Swiss Family Robinson. Now that’s a real threat.
The red carpet isn’t even an office elevator where you have to make small talk about God knows what. The reporters on the red carpet want to know about a limited number of things: your dress, your nomination, your date, what you did before the show to get ready.
That’s it! No biggie! You can be prepared to answer that at any time.
For instance my answers right now would be: J.Crew made my T-shirt but I made the small holes in it by failing to respect my belongings. I’m so thrilled to be nominated for Last Person To Take Their Shower Today. I didn’t bring anyone as a date because I didn’t think it would be fair, given the category for which I am vying. Before showing up to
this awards show my desk, I ate a Luna bar, got some coffee, bought unnecessary yet cute packets of tissues at Duane Reade and wasted four hours looking at pictures of cabins on the Internet.
Voila! Rooney! You can totes do that!
I also don’t feel sorry for you because… well isn’t it sort of fun? I mean we all seek approval by other people. The red carpet is the ULTIMATE proof of approval. Everyone thinks you’re great. Bask in that glory for a little while today. Tomorrow you can get back to figuring out the meaning of
your name life.
AND YOU GET TO DRESS UP. Rooney claims this isn’t for her. In her recent Vogue interview, she says:
It’s kind of an annoying part of the job — because I’m not a model, and I don’t want to be. I didn’t try to be a style icon. I’m just not that interested in that world.
Well, I claim not to be interested in the Cheez-Its world, but I’ve been caught with an orange finger or two in my day.
I get that some girls aren’t into fashion, but how could this not be awesome? Designers throw dresses at you, jewelers throw gems at you, you get to get your hair done, and God knows I love it when someone plays with my hair.
So this is what I propose. If any of you want to take the day off for your next awards show, let me know, and I’ll take your place. And, Giuliana Rancic, you can go ahead and log this in advance: I will be wearing Lanvin. I will not have been nominated for anything but I’m fine with that. My dates will be John Krasinski and Emily Blunt because I feel like we’d have a lot of fun together. And before the show I will spend my time snorting Imodium because now that I think about it, the red carpet seems f-ing terrifying.