Hey kids! Want to know some wacky facts about everyone’s favorite frankenbabe, Megan Fox? You’re in luck, because Esquire just published a spanking new profile that’s just chock full of interesting Megan-Fox-alia. In addition to the usual truisms like “Megan Fox is attractive” and “people are jealous of Megan Fox’s attractiveness,” it contains a treasure trove of insider info on this beautiful creature. Read and learn.
1. Megan Fox’s right side of her body matches her left side:
The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It’s not really even that beautiful. It’s closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.
Aren’t most human beings symmetrical? Can we even detect, let alone be “genuinely shocked” by, the miniscule degree to which one person’s right side matches their left side more than another’s? It is really “like a visual labyrinth” that Megan Fox’s fancy pants waxing place knows their way around a pair of eyebrows? Is “there is absolutely nothing wrong with her” a weird, backhanded way of saying that there is something wrong with every woman who is not Megan Fox?
2. Hot actresses are an endangered species akin to buffalo:
Megan Fox is a bombshell. To be a bombshell in 2013 is to be an antiquity, an old-world relic, like movie palaces or fountain pens or the muscle cars of the 1970s or the pinball machines in the basement. Bombshells once used to roam the cultural landscape like buffalo, and like buffalo they were edging toward extinction…Today, unfettered sexual beauty is an impediment.
He proves this vis-a-vis the success of uggos like Lena Dunham, Lady Gaga, Adele(?!) and Amy Adams(?!?!). I will see you your four contrarian examples and raise you one Scarlett Johansson, one Jennifer Lawrence, and one every other woman in the entertainment industry.
But wait! Scarlett Johansson doesn’t count, because she also “tell[s] everyone who will listen just how thoughtful an actor she is.” Because being smart makes you less hot, or something.
3. Megan Fox is with Brian Austin Green not because they get along or anything, but because he saves her money on body guards:
If you’ve ever wondered what Fox is doing with Brian Austin Green — thirty-nine to her twenty-six; an actor whose career climaxed twenty years ago with the role of David Silver on the original Beverly Hills, 90210 — the answer is simple: He offers a measure of protection. For instance, rather than let paparazzi take their pictures and leave, which is standard celebrity practice, Green gets in their faces, tries to ensure that any shot they get is marred by grotesque anger rather than glowing beauty.
4. Megan Fox speaks in tongues and believes in mythical creatures:
“I have seen magical, crazy things happen. I’ve seen people be healed. Even now, in the church I go to, during Praise and Worship I could feel that I was maybe getting ready to speak in tongues, and I’d have to shut it off because I don’t know what that church would do if I started screaming out in tongues in the back…I like believing. I believe in all of these Irish myths, like leprechauns…Loch Ness monster — there’s something to it…What distracts me from my reality is bigfoot. They are my celebrities.”
See the Scarlett Johansson portion of #2.
5. Megan Fox does not want to be like Lindsay Lohan. On the removal of her Marilyn Monroe tattoo:
“She wasn’t powerful at the time. She was sort of like Lindsay. She was an actress who wasn’t reliable, who almost wasn’t insurable…. She had all the potential in the world, and it was squandered,” she says, curled defensively on the sofa. “I’m not interested in following in those footsteps.”
Conclusion: Megan Fox’s hotness is a prison, and the only way out she can see is to get punched repeatedly in the face by Lindsay Lohan the next time she runs into her.