As you may have read in Oprah’s column in this month’s issue of Highlights, Sheryl Crow’s ex-boyfriend Lance Armstrong admitted to doping during his cycling days. This may come as a shock to you if you didn’t read the news for an entire year and missed that week in October when he was stripped of all 7 of his Tour de France titles and banned from the sport forever and ever and ever. For everyone else it’s kind of like, “duh.” Even if he spent the rest of his life denying the charges, no one would ever believe him. Mostly because we love to see the downfall of famous people. The further they fall, the better we feel. If I had to diagnose our country, I would say that we’re sick. Very, very sick.
What’s the cure? Probably not Lifetime movies that glorify the crime. But Lifetime movies that glorify the crime is what we get. For those of you who don’t have a google alert set for their true movie premieres, please know that Prosecuting Casey Anthony starring Rob Lowe airs this Sunday night.
And with that in mind, I think it’s time we talk about the inevitable Lance Armstrong movie biopic. No scandals too big or too small or too we-can-say-this-is-based-on-a-true-story-if-at-least-one-noun-matches-up for Lifetime. So with that in mind let’s get around to discussing this thriller. Yes, I wrote thriller. This movie will involve murder as well as mayhem. But mostly murder.
You see, Lance Armstrong’s dope dealer Sasha Lace (played by clips of Lindsay Lohan in Liz & Dick) is hiding out at Lance Armstrong’s house. Why ? It’s never quite clear. All we know is that she’ll murder whoever she has to murder to avoid being prosecuted by I.D.O.P.E, the International Department of Pee Extraction. So she forces Lance Armstrong (played by Shia LeBeouf) to hide her until she figures out who she needs to kill next. At first Lance is like “you can’t sit with us!” because he’s very anti-murder. But then he realizes that if Sasha Lace isn’t with him, she’s on the run. And if she’s on the run, he’s not getting his weekly dope fix. There’s no way he’ll win next week’s race without his dope.
His dilemma only gets worse when his ex-girlfriends Sheryl Crow (played by Ashley Olsen) and Ashley Olsen (played by Mary-Kate Olsen) show up at the same time to talk to him about his commitment issues. Turns out that they both started seeing the same therapist in New York and they’re ready, as a group, to discuss what happened. Then after that, they’ll depart on an Eat, Pray, Love trip around the world. The classic Lifetime chimes of positive growth ring in the background.
But Lance has no time for that. Not with Sasha Lace just recklessly killing I.D.O.P.E agents in his backyard and not with a big race coming up in just a few days. He tries to listen to what Ashley and Sheryl are saying, but can’t help starring at the Tour de France trophy resting on his mantle. That trophy means everything to him. EVERYTHING. He needs these women out of his house and he needs them out now. Cue suspenseful music.
Ashely Olsen notices he’s not paying attention to what he’s saying. He never pays attention! EVER! She follows his eyes and notices that he’s staring at his trophy. Always his damn trophy. She leaps over to the mantle faster and holds it up over her head, preparing to smash it on the marble floor In a slow-motion moment that’s made for TV movies, Lance dives to catch it, only to see it smash to smithereens.
However, TWIST, dope pours out of the trophy. That’s where Lance hides it all. INSIDE THE TROPHIES. Ashley and Sheryl look on in horror. Close-ups go back and forth between all three faces.
“Lance does drugs???” they both say aloud.
“Yes,” says Sasha Lace who just appeared from thin air, “Lance Armstrong does dope up before races. I know this because I’m an undercover Dope agent who he let live in his house.”
“B-b-but, why did you murder all those people then?” Lance asks.
“Shut-up, you’re under arrest! But first, Miss. Olsen, may I have you autograph?”
A studio audience laughs. Cut to black. The movie ends with a note that this movie was inspired by true events.
(Photo: Juan Soliz, PacificCoastNews.com)