It was only a matter of time before this happened. Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long. But the moment is finally here — an alleged Ryan Lochte penis pic has fallen into the hands of the blogosphere. Yup, a nakey selfie with his swimming snout fully exposed. (‘Swimming snout’ is just what I’m assuming he calls his penis, but I could be wrong.) You might have noticed that I didn’t link to any other story in another magazine with this news. That’s because you Crushable readers are the very first of the first to hear about it. Don’t you feel like the fanciest pant of all the pants?
“Well yes, Alexis,” you might say, “but if no one else on the internet is even talking about it yet, then how do you know it exists?” That’s an excellent question, I’m glad you asked it, and I have an answer for you: because I’ve seen it. Let me explain. A friend of mine has a cousin who has a best friend who lives in Florida and has gone on a couple dates with Ryan Lochte. Through some arrangement that I don’t know the details of, Ryan sent the Florida girl a picture of his gold-medal junk, which she then forwarded to her best friend, who then forwarded it to her cousin, who also happens to be my friend. Who is an enterprising young fellow and would like to make some money off of this Olympian dick pic. So here we find ourselves. The picture has not yet been sold, but as one of the only witnesses to its existence, let me describe it to you.
It’s from the neck down, right arm holding the phone, penis-wise we’re talkin’ half-mast, probably 7+, with a weird manscaping situation and a spectacular Speedo tan. The Olympic rings tattoo that he has on his inner bicep isn’t quite visible, which would be all the proof I needed that it was his body, but it does have his same square pecs, deep crease in the middle of his abs, and absolutely no hips. And my friend swears he can see a little birthmark right above his hip that appears in photos of Ryan Lochte as well.
I don’t know when or if my friend will be able to sell them, but pray to the Gods of Grills that they’ll be out there soon so that when anyone asks you, “Did Ryan Lochte seriously leak his own dick pic?” we can all say, “Jeah, jeah he did.”
(Image: Stefan Jeremiah / WENN.com)