First things first: I haven’t voluntarily watched a beauty pageant in well over a decade, and after watching Miss America 2013 last night I fully regret not doing so. I laughed so hard throughout those two hours, I came out of the night with a six-pack Miss Alabama would envy.
If you happened to suffer through Miss America right along with me last night, I hope you enjoy the following “WTF” moments. In case you were out and about doing something a thousand times cooler on a Saturday night, please know that you were actually the one missing out. Batons, beehives, bedazzled tap shoes: OH MY!
1.) The dancing. Oh dear God, the dancing.
For a bunch of privileged white girls who have probably been taking dance lessons since infancy, these gals gave Carlton Banks a run for his money during the introductions. Except with lots of sock buns and dead eyes.
2.) Mariah Cary?
Miss Iowa’s real name is “Mariah Cary.” Hearing Chris Harrison and Brooke Burke announce this over and over again throughout the night made me giggle.
3.) Kathy Ireland for K-Mart
So you’re telling me that if I starve myself for a year, work out like crazy, and look absolutely amazing naked I have to show the fruits of my labor off to the entire world in a 90s Lycra bikini? No thanks. I’ll stick to eating Eggos and sitting on my ass then. Did I mention these girls aren’t 40 or a Real Housewife?
4.) Speaking of the 90s…The Return of the BEDAZZLER.
I’m so glad the Golden Globes are on tonight, because I’ll actually get to see real gowns by real designers that are modern and flattering and pretty and everything the gowns pageant contestants wear are not. Bedazzled sleeves, stripper heels, boobs, thighs, OHMYGODSOMANYSEQUINS.
6.) And row, and pull, and row and…ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz
At this point in the show, Brooke Burke decided to fill up some time by making the 40+ loser girls pretend to work out on stage with her.
7.) Miss…Lyrical Poopface?
I was really bad at remembering who was from what state, but luckily my friend and I came up with a great way to remember the girl who did a lyrical number to Journey’s “Faithfully.” Because she looked like she was trying with all of her might to grunt one out.
8.) Oh no. The singing. Dear God in heaven, the singing.
The dancing became a long-lost memory by the time the talent competition was underway. Each pitiful wailing beauty queen was worse than the last. Can people stop telling pretty/young/rich little white girls that they’re talented when they’re not? Vanessa Williams, they ain’t.
9.) The great weed debate
Miss Iowa/Mariah Cary completely flubbed her question. She tried to say that she only believes in the medicinal use of marijuana but ended up saying, “WEED FOR EVERYBODY! To’ up from the flo’ up! LET’SGETHIGHYOUGUYS!” Because she doesn’t know the definition of “recreationally.”
10.) The importance of blotting.
Congrats, Miss New York! You won. Yay. But your sangria-hued lipstick is all over your two front teeth, and not one of those girls are going to do you a solid and let you know because you just destroyed their lifelong hopes and dreams.
(Miss Iowa: Tumblr)