Sigh. I had such high hopes for you, Destiny’s Child. My inner tenth grader was totally pumped for you to release your first single off of your first album in nearly a decade. When I first heard that you were making a comeback, I prepped for this momentous occasion by blowing the dust off of my old singles (remember buying singles? Ha.) and jamming out to “Bills, Bills, Bills” and “Bootylicious.” I knew, I just knew that there’s no way you would release a brand new single in 2013 that wasn’t on par with your past hits.
…Except you did just that. I listened to “Nuclear” this morning and waited for that “jump out of my seat and dance like a slutty high-schooler” moment that would inevitably come. I waited for it. And waited. And tried to decipher what the hell they were talking about, because there was absolutely nothing earth-shattering or atomic or explosive about it. Nothing. The melody is smooth, but the song itself is not actually trying to be anything. It’s not the next “Independent Woman” or “Say My Name.” It’s… well, I don’t know what it is. But it’s definitely not in sync with its title.
I understand that Beyonce, Kelly, and Michelle have matured. But just because you’re in your thirties and you’ve given birth (allegedly) doesn’t mean you don’t have any energy left, does it? If so, I’ll gladly stay childless and 27 forever. Because I was expecting, at the very least, some cheesy baby-making music or a high school prom-worthy dance jam.
I’ll give Destiny’s Child credit for not making “Nuclear” an irritating copy of the bad pop music that’s been permeating the airwaves while they were on hiatus. There’s no auto-tune crooning or overbearing electronica background music. But it’s still completely underwhelming.
Here’s hoping the rest of Destiny’s Child Love Songs is a little livelier than this: