After days of constantly refreshing our Google search page for “Dear God: Why did Taylor Swift and Harry Styles ruin true love by breaking up???” we finally have some answers from our good friends at Radar Online: Insider Sources Incorporated. And they’re shocking. Turns out, (and seriously please sit down for this. You know what, you might as well buckle up as well and put your seatback in an upright position) Taylor Swift wouldn’t put out.
That’s not the shocking part. It’s that Harry Styles thought she would. As if he lived in some alternate reality where Taylor Swift’s constantly putting out left and right. Well except when she’s singing songs about putting out. Other than that it’s Put Out Central in the Swift Household.
“Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women. It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible.”
Here’s the first hint that he might not be sexually compatible with Taylor Swift: he’s Harry Styles. The man’s rumored to have slept with every single British person born between 1914-1988. Taylor Swift’s rumored to have bought a thong once. And it was an accident and she therefore returned it immediately with the remark “excuse me ma’am, but this pair of underpants is missing its back!” So I’m not quite sure how he can possibly pretend to be surprised that she wasn’t into the same level of sexual activity as him. From first day they got spotted together, I called “publicity stunt!” because it simply made no sense.
Almost as little sense as this line from the same article, “Another source says the fact that she constantly talked about antiques was another turn-off for the young singer!” Pray tell what else did he think she’d talk about? If I had to guess the top three Taylor Swift go-to conversation topics I’d go with antiques, miniature cupcakes and eternal sorrow. If it’s not on a Pinterest board, it’s probably not on Taylor’s mind. That’s just science.
But now, after the two turned our world upside down with their strange dating experiment, everything’s going back to normal. Harry Styles’ partying with assorted rich people in hot tubs on private islands who surely have insatiable sex drives and Taylor Swift’s writing revenge poetry in the studio.
All is well in the world of pop stars again that we know way too much about!
(Photo: Darla Khazei, PacificCoastNews.com)