• Fri, Jan 11 2013

Buckwild Leads Me To Believe That There Are No Adults In West Virginia

BuckwildContinuing the puzzling trend that television has taken to lately of airing two episodes at once, MTV brought us two more airings of that diamond-in-the-very-rough Buckwildlast night. You’ll have to forgive me if I get some of the details wrong, because I don’t speak Mumbletongue, but I think that the episodes last night might have been action-packed. One thing I do need to know is how old these kids are. They keep saying they’re just out of high school, but they’re also chugging beers and passing out drunk, so I’m confused. Obviously it’s possible they’re underage drinking, but is MTV allowed to film that? Maybe they were all held back in school so they were of-age when they graduated, or maybe West Virginia is its own province, where the drinking age is fifteen-and-a-wink? I don’t get it. But I digress. Let’s get back to talking about all the ways these ladies and germs tried to kill themselves last night.

First of all, Shain ends his party by firing a gun into the air. He has to be up at 4:30, so it’s time for everyone to go home. No one did, of course, they just went to an after-party at someone else’s house and all passed-out there and tried to hook up with each other, but his heart was in the right place. That…is how you end a party, right? By discharging a firearm above it? Cool, just checking.

Now we turn our sights to Tyler, who is doesn’t have a caterpillar mustache above his lip, ergo is more attractive than the average West Virginian, ergo he is not a man. That’s what I was able to glean from this. Shain and Joey have taken it upon themselves to turn him into a real man, which apparently entails learning to ride a dirt bike with no helmet on and jumping thirty feet off of bridges into questionably shallow water. Tyler was able to do the bridge-jump with no interference and only a little quibbling about heights, but when he and the other two guys were dirt-biking, some mythical creature whom I vaguely recognize as ‘an adult’ appeared out of nowhere and told them to put helmets on. He was identified as the ‘father’ of Shain. After fifteen minutes of watching the show, I have already forgotten what that word means, but my instincts lead me to believe that this is the creature in charge of Shain’s well-being. He is taller and older than Shain, which confuses me because up until now, I assumed that after you hit a certain age, you were shipped out of West Virginia, so the state could remain in the hands of the ignorant, buckwild manchildren. I was worried I would have to reevaluate my conceptions, but then the man disappeared, never to return, so maybe he was just in town for a visit and the children ate him and scattered his bones.

We also learn that Shain has not had many life experiences. We learn this as he is traveling to Morgantown, West Virginia, to attend a party at a club. Apparently Morgantown is an exciting place to be, and apparently you can be topless there, as long as you’re a girl with sweaty animal skin paint on your nips. Shain wouldn’t know that, though, because “He’s only been in an elevator like one time, and he got seasick.” Right, yes. Carry on, because that makes perfect sense.

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