People the internet over are drooling over the rare glimpse of Blue Ivy Carter that Beyonce posted on her Tumblr today. They’re all about the cute mother-daughter ocean dance they’ve got going on, the quality of the photo, and Bey’s ridiculously perfect body. But what I want to know is this: is it normal for a one-year-old to have such strong-looking back and arm muscles?!?!
I mean, look at them. That baby is clenching her mom’s hands in the posture of a 1920s strong man. She’s losing her baby fat at an alarming rate and replacing it all with lean, toned muscle. Perhaps a twirly little mustache. All she needs is one of those striped, old time-y bathing suits and the illusion will be complete. WHAT THE HELL, BLUE IVY?
Is Beyonce subjecting her child to Weight Watchers For Babies before she will let her show her face in clear, hi-res photographs? No, Beyonce would never do that. What I think is really going on is that Blue Ivy is an evolutionarily superior superbaby. No sooner had she emerged from that alien womb in which she’d been secretly incubating than she started building muscle at an alarming rate, as well as developing a preternaturally intelligent look to her chubby baby face. Once she fully matures, she will be an unstoppable world-takeover weapon. It’s for this reason that Beyonce will not let her be photographed directly.
Or, you know, she might just want her kid to have some privacy. But I think world takeover would be more fun.