• Thu, Jan 10 2013

The Most Hilarious Parts Of American Horror Story

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Another week, another ridiculous and amazing episode of American Horror Story. I’ve finally struck the “unintentionally” from the title of these recaps, as I’ve come to believe there’s nothing unintentional about this show. From the homages to various horror movies to the cringeworthy porno dialogue, THEY MEANT TO DO THAT. This week’s episode brought us outside the dark world of Briarcliff quite a bit more than we’re used to. But even if you successfully escape such a place, the mental scars are bound to stay with you forever. As we shall see.

Of course Bloodyface Jr. is one of those adult baby people. It is the creepiest sexual fetish ever invented.

“Breastfeeding is so important for early development.” And by “early,” he means early thirties. Like father, like son.

So I know Briarcliff messes with your sense of reality, and most of these people are legitimately insane to begin with, but Grace comes back alive, with a baby, and Pepper the pinhead comes back smart, and everyone’s just like “whatevs, cute baby”? Amazing.

How much would it suck to think you’re in heaven and then realize you’ve just been abducted by aliens, who will now put an alien baby in you? Sorry, girl.

Mother Superior wants Briarcliff “pulled down and the earth salted.” That is the first sane thing anyone has said on this show! Someone give her a medal! (But don’t polish it, because it took her long enough.)

I love the “fuck you” moment of Lana pulling away in the cab as she flips her rapist the bird. But it’s a testament to the show’s terror that I still do not believe she has actually escaped.

“I’m stuck on that cold bitch. She never loved me. She didn’t love my father. There was only one person she ever loved.” And my father murdered her and committed necrophilia upon her corpse. It’s just like a daddy’s boy to engage in such revisionist history.

For all of Dr. Thredson‘s shortcomings, you have to admit he has a great mod bachelor pad going on, no? That remote controlled fireplace is sharp.

“I have a rockin body and a titty full of milk, let me help you forget about her” is the best fetish porno line ever to be spoken on network TV.

“I’m clearly insane.” God bless you, Zachary Quinto, for delivering that line with just the right combo of irony and sincerity to make me laugh until I cried. (Seriously, now I’m going to watch it again.) R.I.P. Oliver Thredson, the scariest dude on TV since Gustavo Fring. May you finally find the colostrum you seek, in hell.

“I’ve decided to move to New York.” Stop making plans, Lana! It makes me so nervous when you make plans. Can’t you just live in the now?

“No, we are vultures, attracted to the scent of rotting meat.” This is mean, but true. That said, I’m glad she has some lesbian friends to talk things out with.

How does Sister Jude know the Monsignor had sex with the devil? Is she psychic now or did I miss something in the last episode? In any case: I feel like she’s being a little victim-blamey here.

I love the way they just let Kit out after falsely imprisoning him and straitjacket-ing him and forcing him to confess to crimes he didn’t commit and letting him be tortured by a Nazi like, “here are your old clothes, now GTFO.” Not even a perfunctory “sbt”? Rude!

Alma is still dead because the aliens “make mistakes,” but luckily Grace is all resurrected and pregnant and French and willing to take her place? Convenient story, Grace.

“You could get a horse! As long as you take care of it. I don’t know jack shit about horses.” Kit Walker, hopeless romantic.

OH SHIT, Alma is alive after all! Now it’s time for AHS to morph into some sort of love triangle baby daddy telanovela, because that would be great.

“My lover was murdered by the man who raped me and got me pregnant.” Well Lana, when you put it that way, it does sound bad.

Can we talk about the way tough girl Lana suddenly balks, first by failing to abort her rape baby, and then by failing to give him up for adoption? I know there are pregnancy hormones and shit, but girl, those are some MURDERER GENES that you are passing down. I’m not sure I believe that she would suddenly decide she’s chill with that after all she’s been through because a secret abortion is a bloody procedure. (And I have suspended my disbelief a lot with this show!)

“I am tough, but I’m no cookie.” PROVE IT, LANA. KILL YOUR RAPE-MURDER-DEVIL BABY. DO IT YOU WON’T.

I like it how Sister Jude dies tragically, and the Monsignor is all like, “it’s your fault, Lana, for not court ordering me to do the right thing earlier.” Fuck you! I thought you were Catholic!

The episode’s final shot, of Lana suckling the tiny monster she should’ve known better than to let live, is one of the series’ most haunting images for me. FORCED BIRTH IS SEXUAL ASSAULT.

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    Is it wrong that I’m obsessed with Zachary Quinto?

    • http://twitter.com/Tobi_Is_Fab Nerdy Lucy

      Never.

  • Amy

    Sister Jude knows Timmy had sex with the devil because he confessed it to her while she was all cracked-out after her electroshock therapy. …did I really just type that?

  • Mark Odin

    I thought it was hilarious how the staff at Briarcliff completely dismissed the smarter Pepper and their response was just to send her to hydrotherapy. I was also glad they finally got Kit out of the murder charge, but some of my DISH coworkers think that he has more deal with by having two kids from two different women abducted by aliens. I missed Wednesday’s episode, but saw it this morning since it was recorded on my DISH Hopper. My DVR holds up to 2,000 hours of programming so I can record and watch episodes of AHS that I miss at my own pace.