Somewhere, far across the nation in Hollywood, people still have faith in Lindsay Lohan. Not every person. Not even most people. Hardly any people. But enough that she continues to get cast in projects, and people continue to be surprised when she lets them down. I mean if she lets them down. No I don’t, I mean when. Case in point is an ill-fated project directed by Paul Schrader called The Canyons which was shot last year, but may never see the light of day, partly because of all the crazy LiLo hijinks, but also just because that happens to movies sometimes.
So in many ways, The Canyons was like any other Lindsay project…except on this one, there was a reporter along for the ride. And not just any run-of-the-mill entertainment bloggers like yours truly, a real live journalist from The New York Times, Stephen Rodrick, whose name and title are official enough that I will treat this post like an open window unto the world of La Lohan that it is. It describes the difficulty working with her — the erratic behavior, the lateness, the demands, blah blah blah…you’ve heard of all this. You already know that Lindsay Lohan isn’t worth the money it would take to insure her, so we don’t want to drive that point home. We don’t need to do a blow-by-blow of the craziest things she’s said, like everyone else. Instead, we want to dig a little deeper, and draw your attention to something different. The sanest comments that Lindsay made during the three-week debacle. Unfortunately, there were none of those, so I’m gonna promote myself to Editor-in-Chief of Lindsay Lohan and make a few improvements. Let’s call it poetic license.
1. She talked of a recent photo shoot where she was asked to wear stripes. She shifted into her best Joan Rivers imitation. “I said, ‘Hello, stripes after jail, so not a good idea!’”
EDIT: “Hello, stripes after Labor Day, so not a good idea!”
2. “Lindsay, you held the cigarette up in the last take, now you have it down. Let’s do it again.” Lohan sighed. Now that shooting had begun, she had the power. “Sorry, Paul, I guess you’ll have to fire me again.”
EDIT: “Sorry, Paul, I guess you’ll have to forgive me again.”
3. Pope found two porn actors to play the other participants. The woman walked through rehearsal completely naked, bragging that she refused to conform to porn’s norms and shave her pubic hair. Lohan freaked out. “God, I so don’t need to hear about that.”
EDIT: “God, I so don’t need to do cocaine anymore.”
4. Lohan screamed from the back of the closet. “That’s what I’m afraid of!”
EDIT: “Spiders is what I’m afraid of!”
5. Schrader told the crew they’d shoot the rest of the scene with hand-held cameras. That way, wherever Lohan was standing would be her mark. As equipment was reset, Lohan retreated to the patio for a smoke. She still had her mike on, so anyone wearing headphones could hear her. “I’ve got one assistant passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself. Life’s great.”
EDIT: “I’ve got one kitten passed out at my house and the other one in the Palisades saying he wants to hang himself. Life’s great.”
6. The next morning, Lohan was scheduled to shoot at Café Med, a West Hollywood restaurant. But when I arrived, Pope was on the verge of panic. “Lindsay was out with Lady Gaga till 5:30 a.m. Her call was 6 a.m.”
EDIT: “Lindsay was out with her Girl Scout troupe until 7pm. Her call was 6am.”
7. By 9 a.m., Lohan was lying down in a Café Med booth with her hands over her eyes shading them from imaginary sunlight. The production had the restaurant only until 11. Schrader paced, breathing heavily.
EDIT: By 9 a.m., Lohan was lying down in a Baby Bjorn with both her hands over her eyes shading them from imaginary rainbows.
8. She then went into the bedroom, calling out, “Does anyone want a beer?” Then she popped back out. “The minibar is empty. Now that’s interesting!”
EDIT: “The minibar is empty. Now that’s…probably appropriate!”
9. “I hope you got my triple chin on that one,” Lohan said to no one directly. “That shot was hideous.”
EDIT: “I hope you got my triple chin on that one,” Lohan said to no one directly. “That shot was supposed to be of my triple chin.”
10. Deen nodded, but Schrader wasn’t convinced. So he grabbed Lohan, tripped her over his left leg and body-slammed her to the floor. Lohan screamed, and the crew gasped. But she bounced up with a smile. “That was great! Want to do it again?”
EDIT: “That was great! Want to be my new dad?”
There you go, guys. The words of the kind, gentle, and incredibly hire-able actress Lindsay Lohan. I’m sure these are all the things she meant to say, if her immense, cocaine-logged tongue hadn’t gotten in the way.