Great news, guys! Right before I was about to file a Missing Persons report, we get word that Adele will be emerging from her secretive baby cocoon to make the long, hazardous trek to the Golden Globes. She hasn’t been spotted in public since giving birth to her son in October, and if the theme song for Skyfall wasn’t so amazing, I’d accuse the Globe folk of nominating her for Best Original Song just to lure her to the stage and trick her into performing. She’d be halfway through a song before she remembered where she was, and by that time we’d HAVE her! We’d have captured her voice in a glass jar like a sea witch!
…but sadly Adele is standing firm. She is a nominee and not a performer, and I just know that as soon as she gets her warm wonderful hands around that statue (they will give it to her, they must!), she’ll retreat back into her infant lair with its secret name-proof doors through which we can get absolutely no information about her baby. GOD. So frustrating. But only for you. While you sit home and eat your cares away in front of the television watching rich people in sparkly dresses win things, I have no doubt that I’ll be squirreled away in Adele Mansion somewhere, babysitting the young lad and learning every last thing about him. Because you see, I can’t think of a better babysitter than me. I have every line of her music memorized, so he needn’t even know his mom is gone, I’ll just roller-skate from room to room on her hardwood floors, reveling in our glorious friendship.
Oh…oh no. Did I just accidentally start writing fanfic for Adele? I think…I think I’d better go lie down. I’ll leave you the Skyfall lyric video. Treat it with the respect it deserves.