• Wed, Jan 9 2013

Guys, I Haven’t Read The Host, But I Totes Figured Out The Plot

You guys! Over here! There’s a new young adult series out and it’s called The Host! I know absolutely nothing about it except that promotional stills from it were released recently, but let me quickly fortify myself with a brief visit to Wikipedia and then break down the plot of this entire movie for you, relying only on my wits and my instincts to guide my path. Okay I’m going to Wikipedia annnnnd…oh it’s by Stephenie Meyer, of other shitty YA novel Twilight fame? Fuck that, I’m gonna freeball this. That’s what you get, Stephdawgg.’ What is The Host, you say? Well I’m ’bout to tell you.THE HOST 1

Okay. This is the first scene of the movie. Saoirse Soarsie Saiorse Seashell Ronan plays Melanie ‘Mel’ Stryder. Mel is supposed to host (The Host!) a dinner party tonight, but her house has been taken away by a heat tornado that also took the arms of her shirt. She is nervous she will not make a good impression on her boyfriend Jared’s parents, whom she is to meet for the first time tonight. Jared is played by Max Irons, who is very strong, so the sleeves of his shirt did not rip off in the heat tornado.THE HOST 2With all the food taken away in the windstorm, Jared goes foraging for bamboo to serve at the dinner party. Spoiler alert: his parents are pandas. THE HOST 3Seashell goes off on her own to forage as well, and finds a great big bamboo tree. She decides to pull it out of the ground by the roots, to impress Jared’s parents with a feat of strength. Look at her pulling on the trunk. THE HOST 4She passes out from the exertion, and Jared comes back from foraging to scoop her up and carry her away to safety.  THE HOST 5Seashell is very embarrassed at fainting, and angry at Jared for carrying her. In this universe, men cannot carry women until they are married. She admonishes him to stay behind her. THE HOST 6There goes Seashell. She has fainted again. THE HOST 7“No I didn’t! I was just interrogating you from underneath your body! Shut up! GOD I HATE YOU.” THE HOST 8OH NO. The guests are arriving and dinner isn’t even ready! Here comes Jared’s mom, played by Diane Kruger. Oops, a quick trip to Wikipedia has informed me that Diane actually plays a character called ‘The Seeker’. So she is the most important player on the Quidditch Team, from the world of Harry Potter. Here she is looking for The Snitch. THE HOST 9Having heard the distress call sent out by the Snitch in its panic room, Jared and angry friend Jake Abel (who plays Ian) quickly abandon Seashell and drive to the banquet hall to protect it. They are The Beaters, two other very important Quidditch team members, and it is their job to make sure they hold every object with both hands, especially guns and steering wheels. THE HOST 10MOMENT OF CONFESSION! “I am the Snitch. Voldemort hid a Horcrux inside me and made me my own Secret Keeper. Please don’t tell the Seeker.” THE HOST 11“AHA I ALREADY KNOW. I WAS LISTENING TO TUNES IN MY SILVER CAR AND I HEARD YOU OVER THE RADIO. I HAVE FOUND THE SNITCH AHA.” THE HOST 12The Snitch’s murder happens offscreen, as Seashell is reunited with Jared and tenderly poops in his truck. THE HOST 13“What a good fun day. I loved all of it. DON’T GO TO SLEEP I’M MAKING COOKED SHOE.”

And then the studio audience laughs and the romcom music plays, and our heroes skip off into the darkness to find Stephenie Meyer and put her in a hole somewhere.

The End.

(Images: LiveJournal)

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • Mia

    The Host is NOT a YA novel it’s a adult book

  • Rebecca

    It was actually a good read. Completely different then twilight.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I hope so.

  • Ciel15393

    Thanks for putting all the new stills in one spot for me :) Really appreciate it.

  • joseph

    Even by today’s standards, where any idiot can be a Blogger, surely you can’t be as
    superficial and silly as your nonsensical article would indicate.
    Ronan is an excellent actor and if you’d care to Google her interview on Ellen DeGeneres, she’ll explain in simple steps how to pronounce her given name properly.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I assure you I’m just as superficial, and even more silly.

    • joseph

      You sound as if you’re great fun (or craic, as we say over here).
      The Twilight films were CGI riddled pap!
      The Host, however, has a lot more going for it – a great cast and a well respected director who wrote the screenplay.
      And Saoirse (Sur-sha) Ronan is not Kristen Stewart.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I think it’s actually SEAR-shuh.

  • Jenna

    Yeesh, a lot of The Host fans are gonna find this article really offensive. However, I’ve read the book–and loved it–and I find this absolutely hilarious!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Thanks Jenna!

  • Jenna

    Yeesh, a lot of The Host fans are gonna find this article really offensive. However, I’ve read the book–and loved it–and I find this absolutely hilarious!

  • Taylor_is_a_sexy_BEAST

    Well, I’m sure you know you didn’t ONE single fact correct. Well, you are right about the author beginning Stephanie Meyer.

    Here are the real facts:

    1) This is an ADULT novel. The main characters [Mel & Jared] are 21 & 30 years old.
    2) There are NO pandas. But panda are always great fun.
    3) It’s not an epic love story. It’s a sci-fi action thriller/drama with an element of romance.
    4) The overall them of the novel is exploring humanity and what that means for each character.
    5) There is more behind the action and romance. It is also about family, loyalty, self actualization, and community.
    6) There is a large population of fans of this book that did not derive from the Twilight Fandom.
    7) This novel got a 86% approval rating on goodreads.com

    and the list goes on.

    Your poor researched and biased interpretation of the few photos you have seen are none the less hilarious and I found myself laughing hysterically at your funny remarks and misguided assumptions.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      If you laughed hysterically, then I did a really good job.

    • Paulina

      Actually, the author is StephEnie Meyer, not StephAnie…just saying.

    • Taylor_is_a_sexy_BEAST

      Thanks for letting me know. I often spell her name wrong when I try and use spell check too much, lol.

  • Pingback: Violet & Daisy Trailer is Here, Stars Saoirse Ronan