You guys! Over here! There’s a new young adult series out and it’s called The Host! I know absolutely nothing about it except that promotional stills from it were released recently, but let me quickly fortify myself with a brief visit to Wikipedia and then break down the plot of this entire movie for you, relying only on my wits and my instincts to guide my path. Okay I’m going to Wikipedia annnnnd…oh it’s by Stephenie Meyer, of other shitty YA novel Twilight fame? Fuck that, I’m gonna freeball this. That’s what you get, Stephdawgg.’ What is The Host, you say? Well I’m ’bout to tell you.
Okay. This is the first scene of the movie.
Saoirse Soarsie Saiorse Seashell Ronan plays Melanie ‘Mel’ Stryder. Mel is supposed to host (The Host!) a dinner party tonight, but her house has been taken away by a heat tornado that also took the arms of her shirt. She is nervous she will not make a good impression on her boyfriend Jared’s parents, whom she is to meet for the first time tonight. Jared is played by Max Irons, who is very strong, so the sleeves of his shirt did not rip off in the heat tornado.With all the food taken away in the windstorm, Jared goes foraging for bamboo to serve at the dinner party. Spoiler alert: his parents are pandas. Seashell goes off on her own to forage as well, and finds a great big bamboo tree. She decides to pull it out of the ground by the roots, to impress Jared’s parents with a feat of strength. Look at her pulling on the trunk. She passes out from the exertion, and Jared comes back from foraging to scoop her up and carry her away to safety. Seashell is very embarrassed at fainting, and angry at Jared for carrying her. In this universe, men cannot carry women until they are married. She admonishes him to stay behind her. There goes Seashell. She has fainted again. “No I didn’t! I was just interrogating you from underneath your body! Shut up! GOD I HATE YOU.” OH NO. The guests are arriving and dinner isn’t even ready! Here comes Jared’s mom, played by Diane Kruger. Oops, a quick trip to Wikipedia has informed me that Diane actually plays a character called ‘The Seeker’. So she is the most important player on the Quidditch Team, from the world of Harry Potter. Here she is looking for The Snitch. Having heard the distress call sent out by the Snitch in its panic room, Jared and angry friend Jake Abel (who plays Ian) quickly abandon Seashell and drive to the banquet hall to protect it. They are The Beaters, two other very important Quidditch team members, and it is their job to make sure they hold every object with both hands, especially guns and steering wheels. MOMENT OF CONFESSION! “I am the Snitch. Voldemort hid a Horcrux inside me and made me my own Secret Keeper. Please don’t tell the Seeker.” “AHA I ALREADY KNOW. I WAS LISTENING TO TUNES IN MY SILVER CAR AND I HEARD YOU OVER THE RADIO. I HAVE FOUND THE SNITCH AHA.” The Snitch’s murder happens offscreen, as Seashell is reunited with Jared and tenderly poops in his truck. “What a good fun day. I loved all of it. DON’T GO TO SLEEP I’M MAKING COOKED SHOE.”
And then the studio audience laughs and the romcom music plays, and our heroes skip off into the darkness to find Stephenie Meyer and put her in a hole somewhere.