TLC, I don’t know whether to congratulate you or just hang my head in shame…and I’m starting to think that’s how you like it. Yet again, you’ve put together a bumper crop of crazies for the new show The Sisterhood, starring preachers’ wives with a lot of strange thoughts to share with the reality television watching community.
Last night was the second episode, and they introduced a whole new lady, DeLana, but we don’t care about her because she doesn’t like gossip in her living room, so she can get the hell out of here. The people we care about for today are Domonique Scott, and the incomparable Tara Lewis.
Domonique’s deal is she revealed some secrets about her past this week, and they are pretty horrifying. Apparently her father was an alcoholic and her mother abandoned her on some doorstep somewhere, so she got put into the system and taken in by a foster family. The father in that family passed her around in exchange for a case of beer, and his friends who took him up on that offer gave Domonique a $20. When she finally ran away from that home, she ended up on the streets at age thirteen, and became a prostitute. And according to her, once word got around that there was ‘a child in the game’, guys were lined up around the block from 9:00 at night to 5:00 in the morning. Just one after the other. Horrifying. It really drives it home how scary it can be out there. But somehow, thankfully, Domonique got away from that life, and I really admire her bravery in sharing her story on television.
Tara on the other hand…is still smack-dab in the middle of the process of making her own crazy story. She hasn’t put anything behind her. We talked about Tara in all her glory last week, but I’ll do another quick recap because she is legitimately larger than life and she deserves it. Tara is an intensely worked out African-American woman who calls herself the Black Barbie. She is married to a probably-gay white Jewish pastor (yup) named Brian. He has big fake horse teeth and a lot of awkward opinions about Judaism and racial stereotyping that he likes to share at big tables full of black and Latino people. What a fun couple. They also have kids. Because hurray. One of those kids, Trevor, is planning for his bar mitzvah. His Christian bar mitzvah. (!!!) It will have a presidential theme because when Trevor was six weeks old and Tara was holding him in her arms, the Holy Spirit told her that her son would be the first Jewish black president of America. I’m pooping with excitement right now. (That last part was me, not the Holy Spirit.) These people are unreal. They actually went to like an official bar mitzvah planner and told her all these ideas. About the presidential theme and the prophecy and everything, but also that they wanted a Christian bar mitzvah. They want a cake with Jesus’ head instead a ‘Jewish star’. Not a star of David. A Jewish star. And of course the kid doesn’t know Hebrew, so they’re just gonna have him learn a speech in English and Tara is gonna read scripture out of The Bible. You know, LIKE YOU DO AT A BAR MITZVAH. And I know what you’re thinking, party planner lady. You’re thinking this is all quite irregular, but you don’t know Trevor, so you don’t know anything. According to his parents, this 13-year old wears cologne, eats gourmet foods, has ‘exquisite’ taste, and wants gifts of money so he can invest it in the stock market. So basically their child is Manny from Modern Family. To a T. I just can’t with this family. I’m obsessed.
OH. And you may remember from last week that Tara and Ivy didn’t quite get off on the right foot. So this week they met to have lunch and hash things out, because Tara is so crazy religious that even the other preachers’ wives ask her to tone down it down with the scripture a little bit. That’s pretty religious, ya’ll. So needless to say, this meeting didn’t go particularly well, because Tara thinks she’s being spoken to directly by god, who tells her secrets about her six-week old baby, so if that doesn’t happen to you, you cannot hang. When Ivy tries to make points, Tara counters with the fact that her words are not coming ‘from god’…that in fact they sound a little demonic. And you can’t argue with her, because GOD IS IN HER EAR, OKAY?!? It’s actually pretty genius. We could all take some lessons from Tara, because you literally cannot argue with her. Here’s an excerpt of which I’m particularly fond, from the end of lunch:
Ivy: “Well, you’re gonna do it your way, I’m gonna do it my way.”
Tara: “I appreciate your apology.”
Yes! Yes bitch! That is how you do it! And not even “I accept your apology”! This was “I appreciate your apology”. When Ivy didn’t even say sorry! This is amazing. And I don’t hate Ivy’s response in interview, either: “If Tara heard me apologize…amen. I’m having a hard time understanding what Tara is about.” Amen, sister, amen. Aren’t we all.
(Image: First Ladies High Tea)