Kate Middleton turns 31 today. The internet is going wild. But frankly, I’m not impressed. People turn 31 every single day. In fact I personally know people who have at some point in their life turned 31. So color me jaded that Kate Middleton managed to reach that milestone today. Hip hip not hooray.
Sorry I sound unexcited for this global holiday, but I personally find her completely overrated. She’s the kale of my life. Something everyone raves about, but frankly doesn’t taste good if it’s not coated in sauce, spices and other non-kale flavored ingredients.
Disagree with me? That’s okay. You won’t after you finish reading my very valid reasons for finding her to be wildly overrated. In fact you’ll probably want to sign my petition outlawing the celebration of 31st birthdays as soon as possible.
Reason #1: She’s not a princess.
Despite marrying into the Royal Family, she only managed to obtain the “Duchess of Cambridge” title. That’s it. Please, do me a favor and point to the Disney film that celebrates a Duchess of Cambridge…oh that’s right, it doesn’t exist. What kind of woman doesn’t claim that title right away? It’s the commoner equivalent of letting someone refer to you by your first name upon meeting for the first time. It’s Miss Maier, thank you very much.
Reason #2: She Chose to Marry Prince William Instead of Prince Harry.
(Via Optic Photos, PacificCoastNews.com/Ringo, PacificCoastNews.com)
How can you possibly trust someone who looks at both their faces and makes that choice. I suppose personality comes into play at some point during these decisions, but still, look at these faces and tell me you’d rather wake up next to William. Sure he’s the practical choice, but will he ever call you from a Las Vegas jail and ask to be bailed out? Probably not. When was the last time he even had a drug scandal?
Reason #3: She allowed Pippa Middleton to publish “Celebrate.”
How much a cold-hearted monster do you have to be to tell your sister that publishing a book like “Celebrate” is a good idea. I’m all for a little healthy sibling rivalry, but c’mon. The book garnered an incredible amount of negative reviews and people are saying that it failed. What’s the point of even having an older sister if she’s not going to look you in the face and tell you the truth.
Reason #4: She made this face in public one time.
What kind of lady chooses to willingly contort her face like that. I’m not saying she’s a witch, but I’m also not saying there’s evidence to the contrary.
Reason #5: She’s friends with a total blabbermouth
Seriously, her friend Jessica Hay cannot stop talking about the intimate moments of her life. What kind of woman would have friends like this? And if this is her best friend, can you only imagine the quality of character that her acquaintances have? I’m sure they live-tweet their conversations with her.
Reason #6: She doesn’t descend from royalty
Back in the good old days royals married royals. Inbreeding didn’t make people as uncomfortable as it does today — and we were all better off for it. You don’t churn out genetic mutations by marrying someone who doesn’t share a relative with you. By not being related to Prince William’s family directly, she’s purposefully diluting their genetic pool. It’s like she doesn’t want to bring back enormous chins or third ears or spare nipples.
Reason #7: ”She supports Premier League football team Reading F.C.” – Wikipedia
I don’t know any of the words in that sentence and I therefore refuse to accept it as a valid statement.
Reason #8: She lives in England, despite being physically able to live in America.
I just can’t fathom why an able-bodied human being wouldn’t get on a plane and move to America. While I can accept that she can’t control where she’s born, I just can’t wrap my head around the idea she won’t move here. It’s America! Land of opportunities. She could start a cupcake shop or raise a family on a reality tv show or even spot a celebrity without make-up walking around in Los Angeles. But no, she chooses to stay in England. Okay, that’s a sound decision.
Reason #9: She Makes Me Jealous Of Her
Ugh. I can’t stand when people are more beautiful and more pregnant than me. Okay, at the present time I can handle the pregnancy bit. But the beauty drives me crazy. How does her hair look like that? How can I wake up that flawless? It’s simply not fair that it’s legal to be Kate Middleton. Damn her, and her stupid birthday.
(Lead Photo: Getty)