Some recently snapped paparazzi photos of Ed Westwick have made me somewhat worried about his post-Gossip Girl future. You see, while I initially thought he was going to be more okay than most cast members, what with his fallback career in Brit rock and large, powerful jaw muscles, it seems he has already weakened to the point where an opportunistic parasite has taken up residence on his face.
As you can see in this picture, the creature is small thus far, but growing rapidly. Ed’s friends and family might even be foolish enough to think it “harmless” at this point. But make no mistake about it: silence is death. Before long, it will be twice as large and five times as douchey, sapping Ed’s precious life force with tabloid-y relationships and made-for-TV movie roles.
What, if anything, can be done to combat this? This seems like a job for Chuck Bass. Ed might not be strong enough to fight it, but Chuck Bass most assuredly is, and could likely dispatch it with a splash of brandy and a single, withering glare. I think Ed’s best hope at this point is to summon the character one more time by saying “I’m Chuck Bass” into the mirror three times, and let the young billionaire take care of the rest. I sincerely hope it’s not too late.
Photo: Pacific Coast News