After watching last night’s premiere of Vanderpump Rules on Bravo, I think it’s safe to say I won’t be watching again. In fact, I will be avoiding Vanderpump Rules like the plague. A short-skirted, braless, hair gel-oozing plague.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with reality TV. In fact, I love a good trashy, dramatic dose of scripted reality just as much as the next person. (Probably more.) I consume marathons of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo with relish. I watch epic family feuds on Real Housewives of New Jersey with glee. But the people on Vanderpump Rules, the self proclaimed “good looking” staff members of Lisa Vanderpump‘s restaurant Sur, are just too much. They have achieved the seemingly impossible feat of being too shallow and self-obsessed even for reality TV. That’s really, really difficult to pull off. But these wannabe actors and pop stars make it happen within the first few minutes of the premiere episode.
One of the first lines spoken in the episode comes from Kristen Doute, who declares, “It’s true, we’re all really good looking. Sorry.”
Ok, fair enough. The staff is definitely attractive, and that quote is standard reality TV fodder. But then we meet Stassi Schroeder, and everything goes waaaaay downhill. It’s like she’s trying to be the real-life embodiment of Regina George. She looks a bit like Whitney Port, but has none of her charm. Stassi is obsessed with her hatred of Scheana Marie, whose claim to fame is the fact that she was one of Eddie Cibrian‘s mistresses. (Sidenote: she says she didn’t know he was married. Girl, in the age of Google, that is fishier than Chicken of the Sea.) Sure, it’s shitty that Scheana dated a married man, but that has nothing to do with Stassi. Except it does, because Stassi makes everything about herself. She delivered the best (read: worst) quotes from the episode by far. Here are a few highlights:
“My mom’s always told me that I’m the descendant of a Swedish princess, so I try to act like one.”
“Every single person at Sur knows that the gray/blue color dress is my dress.”
“When new people come in, if I don’t like them, I try and make them quit. Seriously.”
“I am the devil. Don’t you forget about it.”
“No one over size two can pull off a Sur uniform… it takes me about 25 minutes every day that I wear it to tape myself into it.”
And speaking of the uniforms, they’re absolutely ridiculous. The male staff members wear all black, but the women wear tiny dresses that I’m fairly sure were meant to be scarves. I know that Sur’s whole vibe is supposed to be super sexy, but these girls might as well be reporting for work at a strip club.
Oh, yes, the men. They don’t do much, other than complain about the women. Oh, and Tom Sandoval, who does his hair. And shaves his forehead. Really. He revealed that he appreciates a good, strong hairspray. (“Your hairspray sucks, babe. I need more strength than that.”)
Basically, all the staff members of Sur have slept with each other, and some of them are currently dating, but the whole web is too complicated to untangle. I think that’s supposed to be some of the appeal of Vanderpump Rules, but there are so many love triangles here that it actually gets boring.
Oddly enough, Scheana was my favorite cast member. Scheana is trying to launch her music career. Not because she’s talented or passionate about music, but because she wants to be famous. As much as that would normally annoy me, Scheana is totally open about it and I kind of like that about her. As she says, “Being a pop star is about being a performer, not a singer.” Sad, very sad. But so true.
I can’t actually believe that I just said the wannabe autotuned pop star is my favorite person on Vanderpump Rules. Please, oh please, Bravo. Cancel this show.