(Image: E! Online)
The new season of The Bachelor premiered last night, with twenty-six ladies and one extremely attractive but known sloppy make-out bandit Sean Lowe. Sean came from the most recent season of The Bachelorette with Emily Maynard, and OHMYGOD are these ladies excited to see him. True to form, the producers at ABC have assembled a crack team of Ashleys, former beauty queens, and token women of color to zealously stalk Sean through the streets of LA. In no world is Sean prepared for the women they found, and in no world are these women prepared for the game to be changed AT ALL. But that’s exactly what Sean did. He decided he wanted to mix it up a little and bend the rules of the show and just give out roses willy-nilly whenever he felt a connection with someone. It started with little Tierra the leasing consultant as soon as she got out of the limo. He asked her to wait right there and went and got a rose from Chris Harrison to give to her because he liked her vibe. But it wasn’t the first impression rose, okay? Because it had a long stem and he didn’t call it that. It was just the first rose. You’re not special, Tierra, you’re not special! …thought and said every single girl in The Bachelor mansion.
But it continued throughout the night. Anybody who Sean took a little shine to got a rose right there on the spot. Women are coming back from alone time with Sean with roses and then disseminating back into the regular population, turning these ladies into amped up, competitive adrenaline barbies. They don’t know what’s going on, they don’t know why he’s changing the rules. Will there be a Rose Ceremony? Why didn’t I get a rose? Why is that girl wearing a wedding dress? What’s going on?!?
It was honestly horrifying to watch. I get what Sean was doing, and I’m sure he meant it as a straightforward and honest thing, but the reality was a little harsh. By the time they got to the Rose Ceremony, twelve women already had roses, he had seven more to give out, and there were some tipsy mothafuckas in ball gowns. There was the girl obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey who pulled a tie out of her bra to tie up Sean with, the tumbler who bit it in the driveway trying to do a flip out of the limo, a superfan who was on this past season of Bachelor Pad, and Kacie, who was previously on Ben‘s season but is apparently blowing an ABC executive because she was allowed to come back for this season as well because she met Sean at some event and ‘had a connection’. It’s a lot. There’s a lot going on. It’s hard to even parody this show anymore because they do it themselves.
I’m honestly not even gonna bother learning most of their names until a couple weeks in when the women get a little more comfortable and stop throwing themselves at him in fits of whimsy. I will make an exception for the four women I would’ve given first impression roses to, even through all the jibber-jabber: Taryn, the shy health-club manager from Oregon, Catherine, the relatively calm and witty graphic designer from Seattle, Sarah, the open and self-aware advertising executive from Colorado who, yes, who also happens to have one arm, and Amanda, the pleasantly awkward fitness model from California. Welp, at least I have a type: West Coast is the best coast. (Colorado counts.)
And in case your memory is more discerning than mine, here are the names of the women who went home last night: Ashley H, Ashley P, Kelly, Keriann, Lacey, Lauren, and Paige. A big thank you to Mr. Lowe, who helped us out by sending home two of the three Ashleys, for clarity purposes, and also unsurprisingly bumped one of the only girls with a real job, the journalist Lauren. I saw that coming the minute you walked in and your job popped up, little miss. Sorry lady, if you walk into that house and your job isn’t a freelance bridal consultant for an online advertising firm who also teaches yoga and is a single mom, you gotta know you’re out the door. Knowledge is not attractive, ladies, sparkly cleavage is. Didn’t your mama teach you anything? Luckily, Sean was raised as a traditional Southern gentleman, so the most negative things he’ll say about these drunken gremlins trying to crawl into his suit jacket are riffs on, “That girl’s a trip”, “I don’t know where to start with her”, “She’s a lot to take in”, and “You’re too much”. Oh girl, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.