Finding Out Kate Middleton Wore Braces Makes Me Question Why We Ever Liked Her

Kate Middleton BracesJust moments ago I read the horrific news that Kate Middleton allegedly used braces to straighten her teeth. I vomited immediately. How did I possibly devote years of my life looking up to a woman born with a crooked smile? How much time has been lost to to the prayer at the altar of a false prophet? Will anyone in the global community still respect my opinion on the lack of diversity in gluten-free products? As always, celebrity news makes me hate myself.

As you probably remember from advanced placement history classes, there are two kinds of people in the world: people who didn’t need braces and people who did. The former fall in to the camp that holds presidents, diplomats, princesses, purebred dog owners, A-list actors, supermodels and Bachelor runner-ups.The latter don’t matter. They’re blog readers, fashion disasters, ceramic cat collectors, ’90s nostalgia enthusiasts and pirates. It’s the classic haves and the have-nots.

Now that we’re hearing reports (apparently from Vogue UK) that Kate Middleton straightened her teeth, whitened her teeth and possibly did other corrective procedures to her teeth, she’s a have not. A nobody. Just another pregnant English lady on the verge of losing it all. Because now we can’t trust her. When someone puts that much metal into their mouth, it’s impossible to know what will come out. Wires? Colored bands? Lies?

Is there any part of her that’s real? Or should we expect to hear confessions that she doesn’t wake up with perfectly straight hair? That she can’t eat whatever she wants and not gain weight? That her face has blemishes concealed by make-up?

Some days I just don’t know why we bother worshiping beautiful people. It’s all such a waste. Especially now that we know the royal baby will probably be born with crooked teeth too.


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    • john

      Um jenni, you spelled metal wrong. Kate did not have medal in her mouth, she had metal. Although her smile does win gold with me, you do not.

      • Jenni

        Um john, I meant medal. She literally filled her mouth with Olympic medals. Everyone knows that!

      • jen

        I have found that with most of your posts, your sarcasm/humor/wit goes over most people, and the general response is hatred. Apparently some people missed the week “satire” “snark” “sarcasm” and “wit” were on the vocab tests.

      • Jenni

        You just wrote the opening chapter to my biography!

    • Purpledancer

      I find it laughable………..the jealousy is so blatant that a blind man can see it. Shame, so you have nothing better to say about two NORMAL young people that fell in love and got married and is now expecting their first baby. William is quite normal if you look at him. He might be a Prince in England but he is the darling for any motherheart in my eyes. Diana did a great job with her boys to be normal, naughty, gentlemen and both boys have hearts bigger than life. Why not leave Catherine to enjoy her man and who cares that she is not a PRINCESS. She stole Williams heart good and solid and I pray for her health to go wll and full term with baby. Rather say something nice about people or otherwise dont say anything at all.

    • Laura Darian Tucker

      Is this a joke article? Is anyone really that shallow that they’d judge someone like that just because they wore braces? It’s pathetic. Nothing wrong with the poor woman!