Just moments ago I read the horrific news that Kate Middleton allegedly used braces to straighten her teeth. I vomited immediately. How did I possibly devote years of my life looking up to a woman born with a crooked smile? How much time has been lost to to the prayer at the altar of a false prophet? Will anyone in the global community still respect my opinion on the lack of diversity in gluten-free products? As always, celebrity news makes me hate myself.
As you probably remember from advanced placement history classes, there are two kinds of people in the world: people who didn’t need braces and people who did. The former fall in to the camp that holds presidents, diplomats, princesses, purebred dog owners, A-list actors, supermodels and Bachelor runner-ups.The latter don’t matter. They’re blog readers, fashion disasters, ceramic cat collectors, ’90s nostalgia enthusiasts and pirates. It’s the classic haves and the have-nots.
Now that we’re hearing reports (apparently from Vogue UK) that Kate Middleton straightened her teeth, whitened her teeth and possibly did other corrective procedures to her teeth, she’s a have not. A nobody. Just another pregnant English lady on the verge of losing it all. Because now we can’t trust her. When someone puts that much metal into their mouth, it’s impossible to know what will come out. Wires? Colored bands? Lies?
Is there any part of her that’s real? Or should we expect to hear confessions that she doesn’t wake up with perfectly straight hair? That she can’t eat whatever she wants and not gain weight? That her face has blemishes concealed by make-up?
Some days I just don’t know why we bother worshiping beautiful people. It’s all such a waste. Especially now that we know the royal baby will probably be born with crooked teeth too.