Happy…Birthday Blue Ivy Carter?
If you just read that like Ron Burgundy in Anchorman, I don’t blame you. Partly because I wrote it that way, and partly because her entire existence is still a little questionable. I mean think about it. What proof do you have that Blue Ivy is a real thing and not just a concept designed to infuriate and tantalize us? Beyonce and Jay-Z‘s word? Well you don’t know them, do you? They’re not your friends. And they’ve lied to us before. Beyonce lies to me every time I watch the video for Single Ladies. She makes me believe that if I don a unitard and play that song loudly, A. my body and B. my dance moves will be as divalicious as hers. She doesn’t tell me with her words, she just does something with her glorious, bewitching eyes and suddenly I’m taking shots of tequila, taking off my pants, and setting up my webcam.
So yeah, we don’t have the greatest history of being able to trust one another, so let’s all take the opportunity of Blue Ivy’s first birthday to puzzle this out like human beings, pros-and-cons style: 10 Signs That Blue Ivy Does Or Does Not Exist.
DOES: There are pictures of her on the internet.
DOESN’T: There are pictures of Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster on the internet too, you big gullible idiot.
DOES: Beyonce says she’s real.
DOESN’T: Beyonce also said that everything Jay-Z owned could fit in a box to the left, so she’s on thin ice.
DOES: Her parents bought her a $1 million private nursery in the new Barclay’s arena.
DOESN’T: When was the last time someone spent that much money to house a baby. It sounds more like the amount of money that gets thrown around at a museum opening. Perhaps Blue Ivy is actually a particularly valuable emerald or a shard of old pottery.
DOES: Jay-Z says she’s real.
DOESN’T: Well he can’t even get recognized on the subway, so where’s his credibility?
DOES: Her voice is recorded on the song Glory.
DOESN’T: And Tupac was at Coachella 2012. ‘Nuff said.
DOES: Her parents bought her $800 shoes before she even knew how to walk.
DOESN’T: Everyone knows that shoes that expensive must come with feet already in them. THUS rendering them unfit for a human child, THUS Blue Ivy is not a human child, ERGO, she is not real.
DOES: She has a birthday.
DOESN’T: So does Harry Potter.
DOES: President Obama has given B and Jay parenting advice.
DOESN’T: How high up does this conspiracy go?!?
DOES: She has a name.
DOESN’T: Yeah, and it was voted the worst Celebrity Baby Name of 2012. So…
DOES: I mean…she exists. She is a real live baby.
DOESN’T: WELL I’VE NEVER HELD HER.
Ah, now we’re getting somewhere. Now I’m starting to see what this is all about, and where these feelings are coming from. Blue Ivy clearly isn’t real, but if she were…would it kill you to ask me to babysit??