STOP THE PRESSES. I mean it, stop them. Taylor Swift and Harry Styles have broken up. Aka the almighty Haylor is dead, aka my life is meaningless.
Weren’t they just tenderly kissing each other under the bright Times Square lights on New Years Eve? Weren’t they just strolling hand in hand through the Central Park Zoo in matching trendy scarves? Didn’t Taylor just impulsively buy real estate in the UK to be closer to Harry and guard over his very curious teenage peen? Weren’t they just spending the holidays together and meeting each others’ parents and getting matching tattoos and dropping L-bombs and whispering sweet nothings to each other ohmygodmylifeisover. What a tremendous waste of real estate.What a tremendous waste of JEWELRY! Why couldn’t you break up before Christmas to save yourselves all the tens of thousands of dollars that you reportedly spent on each other? Or barring that, why couldn’t you just stay together until the end of time so I can A. believe in love and B. so that I never have to hear another GODDAMN Taylor Swift break-up song?
Oh god that means it’s coming. The annoyingly catchy lyrics are creeping under the very ground we stand on, fleeing the brains of adolescents and heeding their mistresses call. “To me, angst, to ME!” she crows, perched atop some tall building in Nashville in the middle of a storm. Wild, rain-drenched notes slamming into her in the bitter wind as she mournfully plucks her guitar and croons about “the one direction I thought I’d never go”. (She means anal.)
Or else this could be totally boring for everyone involved. They could be breaking up because they’re never in the same spot as each other and oh yeah, they weren’t that in love anyway because it’s only been two months.
“They are both really busy and never in one place for long. Harry’s really upset about the split and is really sensitive about it. Loads of his friends told him to be careful and that it was never going to last, and he feels a little foolish now that it’s fallen apart so quickly.”
Wait, Harry‘s the one who’s upset? Oh. My fateful vision of Taylor and her winged song monkeys might not come to pass, then. Or maybe One Direction will write some soulful teenybopper hit about Taylor. Or maybe a rager! Maybe she broke up with him and he’s pissed and we’ll get some really vengeful lyrics out of it! Or…not. Because Harry said this:
“[Taylor]‘s a really lovely girl. Honestly, she couldn’t be a sweeter person. She’s a great girl and she’s extremely talented. [She]‘s one of those people you meet [who's] genuinely a nice person. Some people you meet and they are not as nice as you make them out to be, but she’s one of those people who’s really just amazing.”
Well goddamnit guys. I got absolutely nothing out of this. Next time with double the angst, por favor.
(Image: / WENN.com)