Along with every other show that was ever made, Mob Wives returned last night for the first episode of their third season. And guess how interested they were in catching you up if you hadn’t seen previous seasons? Zero percent. Zero percent interested. So as a new Jenny to the block, I had to rely on my catlike reflexes and well-worn Wikipedia page to keep me up to date, since there have already been two action-packed seasons and these ladies barely slow down to breathe, even at brunch. You guys are probably way more up on this masterpiece than I am, but in case you aren’t, here’s what I understood from the premiere. (Staten Island accents are hard, ya’ll!)
Drita D’Avanzo is married to Lee D’Avanzo, who is currently serving time for a bank robbery. According to Drita, he’ll be home in like six months, because he owned up to what he did. And if there’s one thing Drita can’t abide, it’s liars, so don’t lie to her, okay?!? But for someone who’s starring on a show called Mob Wives, Drita seems shockingly low-drama so far. Knock on wood…
Carla Facciolo was married to Joseph Ferragamo, who served six years for stock fraud. Carla does not seem shockingly low-drama. She’s been accused of sleeping with a whole slewsicle of married men, which some of the other ladies are really upset about, and which some of them say is nobody’s business. But one thing she’s definitely solid on in her massive beef with one…
Renee Graziana. Carla says she looks like a clown, but I’d lean more toward drag queen, myself. Her father is Anthony Graziano, 72, who is currently awaiting sentencing after being ratted on by Renee’s husband Junior last season. Junior moved back into the house and wore a wire in order to cooperate with the government and bust Anthony. It’s…a touchy subject in the house. Renee also has an 18-year old son, AJ, and new locks on her doors after her house was broken into. In her own words, “They took a shit in my toilet bowl and left it.” Oooh, (literal) shit, mob burglars don’t fuck around. If you believe Carla, then Renee is a junkie, but if you believe…oh, actually, you should believe Carla, because after a few denials, Renee opened up this episode about being addicted to painkillers. But at least she isn’t like Carla, who has a horse face and has had “more traffic than the Holland Tunnel coming through her crotch.”
Big Ang is next, and not very exciting this week aside from looking like an oversexed Muppet. Her uncle is Sally “Dogs” Lombardi, who is now dead, but appears almost nowhere on the internet. So I don’t know what to tell you about her except that her kid (also named AJ) just got arrested and sentenced to a drug program in lieu of jailtime, and she’s pretty psyched about that because it means he’s off the streets.
The one I’m really interested in is the new Mob Wife, Love Majewski. Her ex-fiance is Ray Merolle, who is currently incarcerated and was allegedly the head of The Untouchables. Which was a crime group that was allegedly the basis for the movie Gone In Sixty Seconds. Allegedly. Every woman on this show says Love is crazy, which is fairly terrifying. In Love’s own words: “I’ve poisoned people, I’ve stabbed them. I’ve shot them. I stabbed my poor boyfriend, I stabbed him in front of his mother.” Watch me as I proceed to never write a negative thing about her all season, so as to avoid a Staten Island beatdown.
There are two other Wives — Ramona Rizzo, who was married to Lefty “Two Guns” Ruggiero, and Karen Gravano, whose father is Sammy the Bull, but they weren’t interesting this week, so we’ll let them sip their bloody marys in peace and move on to the fateful brunch where the season will begin. Big Ang and Drita wanted Renee and Carla to come together to settle their differences, so they planned a brunch. Luckily for us, all that happened is that both ladies got out in the open how much they hated each other, so we have a whole season to observe their exploits. Can’t wait.