A long time ago everyone loved Justin Bieber. Like a fairy tale prince he rose from the rubble of Youtube and ascended into the position of the most powerful man in media. For years he ruled the tween music scene from high stop his throne. He could have whatever he wanted and what he apparently always wanted was tattoos. So many tattoos. No appendage went untattooed, no body part went uninked.
Then like a scene from Paranormal Activity 4, One Direction arrived on American shores and stole all of Bieber’s thunder. Slowly, but surely they took his place as the hottest, chest-hair-free man-boys in America. So how did Justin Bieber respond? By getting more tattooos. If he just got the right tattoo, American girls would love him again. In the past two years, he’s accumulated 9 tattoos.
And that’s how we arrive at this week’s most important news: Justin Bieber got a new tattoo. Lucky number 9ish.
Odds are you’ll hate it, just like you hate the rest of his tattoos. It’s pretty rare that a teenage boy makes a good choice when it comes to a permanent decision. But did you know that your least favorite Justin Bieber tattoo is more than just your least favorite Justin Bieber tattoo. It’s the key to your heart, the window to your soul, the garage to your genitals.
So how do you begin? Well, go through this list, identify the tattoo you would want least and then learn everything about yourself. It’s like the best, free therapy session you can find online.
(You can follow along with photos on JustinBieberTattoos.com, that is a real site that exists.)
The Bird Tattoo. You strongly dislike birds. Also everything that flies. The entire concept of flight just makes no sense to you. Trains are your preferred means of transportation and duck hunting is your preferred means of getting through a bout of childhood nostalgia.
The Hebrew Tattoo. You’ll never forgive Andrew for embarrassing you at that Bat Mitzvah in 7th grade. After he explicitly agreed to be your partner for Coke & Pepsi during dinner, he humiliated you by choosing Britney when it came down to a game time decision.
The Jesus Tattoo. You hate organized religion. Almost as much as you hate your religious uncle. That’s why you spend the majority of Thanksgiving picking fights with him every single year.
The Praying Hands Tattoo. You’re against hands. Everything about them horrifies you. From the fingers to the nails to the palms, they’re disgusting.
The Believe Tattoo. You’re a Satanist.Or a machinist. Or maybe both.
The Japanese Symbol Tattoo. You’re uncomfortable with people who say things without knowing what they mean. Also you hate want to meet for brunch after 1 PM. At that point, it’s just lunch. Say what you mean.
The Crown Tattoo. You’re still angry about the Sugar Act of 1764. It’s infuriating to think that the British disrespected the colonies so much. Also they looked horrible in red and everyone knew it.
The Owl Tattoo. You don’t trust animals and/or people who can turn their heads 360 degrees. Sorry you’re not sorry for discriminating against witchcraft.
The Indian Head Tattoo. You’re still bitter that they made a sequel to The Mighty Ducks. Why ruin a perfectly good sports movie with a perfectly stupid sequel. Your anger may be slightly irrational, but c’mon, how can you ever support anything hockey-related every again.
So what kind of person are you? What did you learn from yourself from this Internet list? On a scale from one to enlightened, how good do you feel right now?
(Photo: Thomas Janssen, PCN)