You’ve gone and done it now, Ireland Baldwin. You broke my heart and tore it up into a million pieces and now my inappropriate Instagram crush on you is in jeopardy. I know everyone in Hollywood is supposed to know each other and schmooze with each other in public, especially at Lakers games. I know you and Kendall Jenner go to the same school (this is why the word ‘creeping’ is in the title of this post). But did you have to go and take an Instagram shot of you getting friendly with the Kardashian Klan? If you listen closely, you can hear me softly weeping.
Whatever you do, don’t let Kris Jenner get you into her momager dearest clutches. Your mom has already done a pretty good job with you, and everyone knows there’s a big difference between the influence of Kim Basinger vs. Kim Kardashian. Well, probably anyway. 91/2 Weeks ain’t got nothing on that Burberry bikini video.
You’ve got a lot going for you, beyond the obvious factors: sure you’re drop-dead gorgeous and tall and funny and smart and your dad is Alec Baldwin. You like to post really cute pictures of your really cute surfer boyfriend, who has a prettier gayface than Zac Efron. You have too many great things going for you to get swept up in Kardashian Krap.
You know what? You were probably just being polite, and here I am berating you for it. At least you chose the only somewhat tolerable Kardashian to pose next to. Okay, I’m calming down now. Because I love you and your life, I’m willing to let this one slide.
But if I see an Instagram of you partying with KimYe or getting a mani/pedi with Bruce Jenner, I’ll have to put my therapist on speed dial.