• Fri, Jan 4 2013

Harry Styles Told Taylor Swift He Loved Her, In Exchange She Let Him Kiss Her With Tongue

Taylor Swift Harry Styles DateIn an incredibly romantic gesture that’s sure to make your heart burst into a million miniature calorie-free cupcakes, Harry Styles told Taylor Swift he loved her. Just like that. He looked her in the eyes, lightly fingered the key to her chastity belt that he’d stolen from her petticoat drawer and said, “Lisa, I love you.” Realizing he’d made a mistake, he cleared his throat up, interlaced his fingers with hers and said, “Do you mind if I start calling you Lisa?”

Taylor, always a romantic, bopped him on the nose and said in response, “Of course Harry, you can call me whatever you’d like. Why I’ve taken to calling you Conor when I speak to all my friends.” She turned around angrily, making sure her slouch expressed to Harry how hurt she was by his behavior. Harry looked out the window at the approaching storm, thunder rumbled in the distance. He hated when she got like this. Mean, bitter, angry. Often times she’d get in these moods and storm off into another room — as if this all wasn’t a game. As if she didn’t know that they’re a set-up. While he never went after her, he couldn’t help but linger by the door as she strummed on her guitar and tried to find words that rhyme with “betrayal” and “asshole.”

The night wasn’t supposed to go like this. He’d bought her a beautiful bracelet he’d found while packing up his dressing room one night. He couldn’t remember where it came from, but it sparkled under the fluorescent lights and it would sound romantic when the press reported that he’d gifted her with a second-hand bracelet.

Ugh, the press. Harry sighed deeply just thinking about it. Lately everything he’s done, he’s done for them. Kissing Taylor in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, walking around the zoo together with a baby, introducing her to an English Realtor who would help her buy a house close to his mother’s house. Frankly he felt exhausted by the the whirlwind events of the past month. Being in a staged relationship wasn’t nearly as fun as it looked. Especially when he knew that Taylor would inevitably get to be the one to dump him.

“Trust me,” his manager said to him from the dark shadows of a dilapidated booth in a forgotten English pub, “this relationship will do wonders for your image. Americans will find you romantic and sweet and capable of dating women your age! And then, when she dumps you and sings about you in her upcoming album, you’ll get the sympathy card. If you play the game right, you’ll get the sympathy card. So when I give you the signal, tell her you love her. Then I’ll tell the press.”

He shook his head thinking of the conversation, remembering how much it hurt when he pricked his finger and signed the contract in blood. Then he remembered the gift. “Taylor,” he said gently, trying to coax her back into her sweet self, “Taylor, I got you a present, it’s a vintage bracelet.”

She turned back around to face him without even moving. He could swear her head just swiveled a full 360 degrees, but he knew he could never prove it.  A moment ago she figured she’d stay mad at him for the night, or at least until they had to get spotted eating dinner together at a cozy cafe. But now she smiled, the bracelet did look pretty and Harry’s hair did curl ever so beautifully. “Thank you,” she said, “it’s beautiful!” Then she lowered her eyes and laughed manically under her breath.  She already knew that the song “Stolen Bracelet, Forgotten Heart” would be a hit.

(Story The Sun, Photo Via Pacific Coast News)

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  • M.

    I really don’t understand how, in a society where tolerance is slowly becoming widely practiced, a girl who’s decided to be chaste is attacked like this. I guess you only get tolerance if you’re gay, a member of a minority, or a feminist.

    Jenni, your writing style is awful too. Go do something else with your life, mkay sweetie?

    • Jenni

      What should I do? I applied to a bunch of places in the mall last week but no one got back to me! But you’re right. I do need a new job. One that pays me. Did you know I have to pay Crushable to write?

    • Soshiloveable

      this is the way she writes and you have no right to tell people how to write their posts

    • …her?

      Oh honey, you should really go back to reading class. She’s not mocking Taylor’s “chastity,” she’s mocking the fake relationship and the fact that when it’s over Taylor can write a song about it and Harry’s image is made over. mkay?

  • Fer

    I loved it. You go Glen Coco.

  • Emily

    This is hilarious. I love the fanfiction-y feel.

  • http://www.facebook.com/browniiieees Chaimae Yalloul

    Jenni Jenni Jenni i love you.

  • sagebaby

    whoa. not sure if it’s deserved, I don’t know these people, but I am assuming you do based on this article. They look sweet together am hoping you are wrong :( Your writing is excellent though,I disagree with “M” :) I think if those two people were “evil do’er’s” I could enjoy it more? I’ll have to read more of your work :D