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Okay Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber. Enough is enough. It’s time to stop breaking up and getting back together and breaking up again, because I’m tired of it. At this exact moment, as I’m writing this, they are broken up, having had a huge blowout argument in Mexico on December 30th over Justin’s supposed marijuana use. Who knows if they’ll still be broken up in twenty minutes when I post this, but if I had my way, they’d stay that way forever because I’M TIRED. It’s too much to keep up with. You have your shit together, Selena, why wait around for the Biebster to mature? Spoiler alert: he will always be two years younger than you.
So, because I am queen of the internet, I’ve taken it upon myself to play the puppetmaster in Selena’s life. Much like her old dowager aunt, I’ve compiled a list of promising suitors, any of whom I think would make a more desirable match for the Gomez line. We’re a proud house, and we won’t have any more young Justin Bieber types despoiling our fine Egyptian carpetry. So come sit with me by the fire, Selena, and take your pick of all these gentlemen. Which would you like to see come a-calling? Just be forewarned that some of them do have girlfriends. I’m just a dowager, okay? I can’t be expected to respect the boundaries of our society!
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1. Josh Hutcherson, 20. He’s at the top of my list because he’s the best of both worlds. He’s a Hunger Games contestant so he knows how to defend himself and he’s got that sexy edge…but he also plays the lovelorn bread-monger Peeta Mellark in it, so he’s j’adorbz. CALL HIM.
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2. Nick Jonas, 20. Sure you’ve dated him in the past, Miss Gomez, but just because he’s an oldie doesn’t mean he’s not a goodie. Plus you’d be in some great company, because as a unit, I think The Jonas Brothers have dated everyone under 25 in all of Hollywood. Get (back) on it!
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3. Shane Harper, 19. Okay yeah, so he’s a year younger than you, but he’s still older than Justin, so I don’t want to hear it. He’s a triple threat (quadruple, really, because he also plays the guitar), and he guest-starred on Wizards of Waverly Place, so you’d have a lot to talk about. Plus he’s super cute. Always a bonus.
4. Louis Tomlinson, 21. How much fun would it be if you and your BFF Taylor Swift were both dating One Direction guys?!? You could go to their concerts together and then on double dates. Plus Lous is the oldest guy in the band, so you have to assume? hope? he knows how to treat a lady a little bit better than ye olde womanizer Harry Styles.
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5. Taylor Lautner, 20. Another repeat customer, but you guys would have some beautiful babies, so why not give it another try? You already know his likes and dislikes and you guys can gossip about your shared love of Swiftykins. So romantic.
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6. Alex Pettyfer, 22. British accent. Cute. Up-and-comer. Older than you. Legit enough to have dated Diana Agron. What’s not to like? Honestly if you don’t date him, I will.
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7. Chord Overstreet, 23. Tied for the oldest prospect on the list. Blond and beautiful, and lovable enough to earn his way back onto Glee after being dropped. Ryan Murphy re-hired him after extensive viewer petitioning, and he’ll be an occasional guest star from here on out so he can focus on his music.
8. Matthew Lewis, 23. Never has a man emerged from puberty as gracefully as Neville Longbottom, from the Harry Potter series. Honestly, look at this guy. Look at how pretty he is! But he was so awkward looking growing up that he probably doesn’t know he’s hot and hasn’t got an ego about it yet. Get in there before he figures it out!
9. Tom Daley, 18. Actually younger than Justin, but I don’t care. British diver. The hottest. I’m obsessed.
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10. Anton Yelchin, 23. Ooh girl, he so trendy and edgy. Doin’ all them indie films and broodin’ all sexy. You know you want to date up on that. Okay, Selena, that’s everyone. Now take your pick and I’ll expect you promptly down for supper at 6:30. Wear a nice gingham frock.