Bradley Cooper And Zoe Saldana Break Up, World Manages Not To Fall Off Axis

Bradley Cooper Zoe Saldana Kiss

In news that will probably upset no one, All About Steve star Bradley Cooper apparently broke up with Center Stage star Zoe Saldana. Or the other way around. No one knows the details because no one knows anything about this mysterious couple.

After dating for awhile and breaking up for awhile, they managed to accomplish absolutely none of the traditional celebrity relationship milestones. It’s genuinely hard to believe that they lasted that long in the spotlight and never even adopted a dog together. Why, I can’t even recall a baby bump rumor in all their time together.

Ever since the two first started dating, rumors began swirling that their PR teams set them up.  Because I live in a world where I truly believe 90% of Hollywood relationships are staged, I bought this rumor Hoku-style: hook, line and sinker. What are the chance they really fell for each other on the set of The Words? I would say slim to none.

But twist, this break-up would make no sense if they’re a fake couple. Why? Well Bradley Cooper’s movie Silver Linings Playbook is getting nominated for every possible award ever  awarded. In fact, rumor has it that the cast already won the Superbowl. That’s how much hype they’re getting this award season.

Therefore Bradley Cooper’s going to be walking a lot of red carpets. In the world of PR couples, celebrities date so they can have someone to walk down the red carpet with them. Also someone to provide adorable anecdotes that reveal them to be a real live human being with flaws.

“He snores! He sings in the shower! He makes the best waffles! He cries when he orgasms! He cries when he clips his toenails! Actually he cries a lot! Is that normal? He cries when I ask that…”

So why would they call it quits right before the main event? It makes no sense. The only thing that almost makes sense now is that they actually dated. But then, I don’t know, everything I thought I knew is wrong. Is Bradley Cooper even hot? I’m not sure about anything right now.

Except for the fact that Center Stage needs a sequel.

(Photo: JamieTuohy)

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