Today is a very special day, little babies! It’s Mel Gibson‘s 57th birthday today, which means he’s officially one year older and hopefully one step closer to obscurity. It’s not usually my style to be so snarky about a fella on his birthday, but this particular fella has quite the track record, if you’ll recall. It all started when he was pulled over for drunk-driving and helpfully informed the arresting officer that the ‘fucking Jews…the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.’ Okay buddy, why don’t you come along to jail now. Thanks, sugar tits. He also sent his lady love, Oksana Grigorieva some really nice voicemails telling her that she deserved to be hit in the face (twice) while she was holding their child, and affectionately letting her know that she looked like “a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of n—-rs, it will be your fault.” How charming. What a lovely man, happy birthday to him.
But we didn’t always have these opinions about him, guys. For a long time he was considered an A-List actor, to the point that he was People Magazine‘s first ever Sexiest Man Alive in 1985. He had a reputation for professionalism and promptness on set, even while he was secretly a raging alcoholic behind the scenes, and he starred in a movie called What Women Want, which means at one point we were comfortable with the implication that he was in any way desirable to women or men or anyone still in possession of their mental faculties. He really self-destructed his own career, to the point that he’s now more well-known for his behavior than for his acting. So in honor of old Mellyboy’s special day, here are ten other celebrities who also went down in flames of their own devising.
(Images: WENN.com)Good ‘ol Charlie Sheen. A member of a strong acting family, the highest paid actor on television, and he has to go and blow it. Off a hooker’s ass. HA. No but seriously, this guy loves prostitutes like they’re going out of business. Also loves giving interviews about tiger blood and general confusing the United States populace. #winning. Hey there Tiger Woods! I got your text about ‘wearing me out’, but I’m in a basement right now, so I’ll go public and ruin your life and your marriage later, okay? Oh, there are dozens of other women just like me making the same claims, and the shareholder loss from your many affairs will be between $5 to $12 billion? Congratulations, that was totally necessary. Why would you divorce the most beautiful woman in the world, Seal? Just why? You and Heidi Klum‘s marriage was what was holding me together. Now you have to fall back on your music, and if there was a gun to my head, I don’t think I could name one of your songs. Ooh! SEAL Team Six? Is that you? No? Goddamnit. You know what you shouldn’t wear to a party, Prince Harry? A Nazi outfit. Also your naked body and a vendetta against Ryan Lochte, but that’s another story. At the rate Prince William is aging, all you need to do is lay low and you’ll have ‘hottest brother’ in the bag. Don’t fuck this up. Everyone involved with Liz and Dick. That includes you, audience members. Whether ironically or not, if you sat through Lindsay Lohan‘s performance, you have condemned yourself to die in obscurity, never to rise phoenix-like from the ashes of that calamity. Keri Russell had a pretty sweet gig on Felicity. She had two guys fighting over who got to make out with her face, got to get paid to be in college on TV…and then she cut her hair. The show didn’t end on the spot, but my hopes and dreams did. Kanye West‘s reputation survived interrupting sparkling beacon of innocence Taylor Swift while she was getting an award, but his career is no match for dating Kim Kardashian. At least, I hope it’s not. PLEASE KARMA GODS. PLEASE. Fuck you, Chris Brown. Just, fuck you. If you listen to this guy’s music, just please stop. He tried to kill a lady with his hands. C’mon. Heeeeyyyy Amanda Bynes! Previously best known as an up-and-coming young actress in young Hollywood, now known for wandering nude around tanning salons and striking up conversations with potted plants at her local gym. SOB. Can you guys just promise never to get pregnant and leave me like Adele did? I don’t think I can take any more heartbreak.
So that’s everybody! Keep up the bad work, you wacky wacky starlets. I’ll be watching you like a hawk for signs of implosion. I’m looking at you, Amanda Seyfried and Justin Bieber…