• Thu, Jan 3 2013

I’m 90% Sure That David Letterman Has No Idea What A Blowjob Is

ng kathy griffin 020113David Letterman had Kathy Griffin on his show last night, and he was optimistically hoping she’d apologize for a little nothing that went down during her New Years Eve broadcast with Anderson Cooper. Dream on, buddy.

During that show, one of their video correspondents used the phrase ‘kissing the sardine’, and in response Kathy leaned down and pretended to kiss Anderson…on his sardine. As someone like Kathy Griffin does. As I would do, frankly, if someone said that phrase in front of me. That is a ridiculous phrase. Prepare for a weenie peck. But that’s what it was — a peck. She wasn’t down there pretending to make out with his Vanderbilt or anything, she barely touched it. She was down there for such a short time that Anderson actually thought he could cover it by asking her if she dropped something. Obviously that wasn’t gonna work, because it’s still Kathy Griffin and she’s gonna want her joke heard, so she bleated back, “No, I was kissing your sardine!” while he tried desperately to talk over her and drown her out to avoid backlash from the silly network. Anderson is a prudent guy, because he likes his job, but literally nothing happened. It was a joke in poor taste for families, maybe? But you should be glad the lady had clothes on.

HOWEVER. David Letterman wanted to talk about it. He probably got some pressure from higher-ups, because he brought it up right out of the gate, saying:

David: “And then you went down on Anderson Cooper or something? As the ball dropped? What did you do to Anderson Cooper?”

Kathy: “If you think this is the part where I’m gonna apologize for trying to go down on Anderson Cooper, you are sorely mistaken. I tried, ladies and gays, I tried for you.”

David: “It makes no difference to me — I don’t have a dog in this fight. I just was curious about what happened exactly.”

Well of course he’s curious. Because if that’s what he thinks going down on someone is, he’s been living a strange, sheltered life. You guys…David Letterman doesn’t know what a blowjob is! Even with his affairs and that nonsense, he’s always assumed that a blowie is a light kiss on the tip of the dick, through the pants. He’s never understood why women complain about it so much, or why other guys are so obsessed with it. It’s just a polite ritual, like a handshake, that he and his wife do every night before bed. But you cannot — YOU CANNOT do it on live television. It’s much too intimate for that, even when it’s administered to a silvery foxy gay man like our Anderson on the eve of the new year.

So clean up your act, Kathy, I don’t want to see anything that vulgar ever ever again in your whole life. And as for you, David…I’ve got a book I’m gonna send you in the mail. It’s called Everybody Poopso you can read it in front of your wife, but I’ve handwritten a lot of notes on the care and tending of blowjobs in between the lines, so you’re about to get your mind blown. Pun 100% intended.

(Image: WENN.com)

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  • Cori

    I dunno, if it was the other way around (man kissing a woman like that) I’m not sure this article would be so lighthearted.