We already have a couple celebrity buns in the oven to look forward to in 2013. Most notably, Jessica Simpson’s second child, Kate Middleton’s royal offspring, and of course Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s first little bundle of
income joy. We’ve also heard stirrings that Anne Hathaway wants a baby ASAP, as soon as her pelvic region regains mass.
But there are a lot of celebrities out there who just won’t have a baby this year – whether it’s due to age, or relationship status or just not feelin’ it in the bedroom. And I don’t feel sorry for you guys.
Here’s what you get to skip by not popping out a mini-me in 2013:
All those red carpet pictures with a man’s hand on your belly. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones where the guy who did this to you can’t keep his hands off your ever-growing abdomen, partially as a protective move, partially as a proud “Jeah! I did this!” move, and probably partially because he thinks that the baby could come any moment and he needs to be prepped to catch it.
Oh, how I hate these pictures. It’s like a woman is only a baby incubator for nine months, and every time she’s photographed we have to be sure we know that they know that we know there’s a baby a-cookin’. Be glad your belly won’t be used as a hand rest for the next nine months.
Self-portraits of your naked baby belly on Instagram, Twitter, etc. As a pregnant celebrity, you are obligated (whether true or not) to love being pregnant. You are also obligated to still be sexy and attractive. How do we meld these two seemingly disparate things? Selfies!
It’s via these personal pics that you are to remind the world that not only are you pregnant, but you are still a living breathing woman with needs. If you’re unsure as to how to sexualize pregnancy, Jessica Simpson is great at this. Note her lingerie-like outfit, her just-been-bitten lip pout, her ample bosom, and of course, her raging, protruding uterus.
You don’t have to see your name in the same sentence as “baby bump.” God, I hate this expression. It’s in my top two least favorite pregnancy-related terms. The first one is “push present.” That one really makes me want to crawl out of my skin, the idea that a woman is such a harpy that she needs to be compensated for delivering this baby to her husband… I could go on for days.
Baby bump is a close second. It’s a personal nightmare for my lower abdomen region to be scrutinized at all, and when you slap a nickname on it, well, then I really have night sweats. Be glad that you don’t have to endure this moniker. Oh, and also, never leave the house after having eaten a slightly large lunch if you really want to avoid being accused of having a baby bump because anything non-concave going on down there will start the rumor mills.
The entire world watching you try to get your fat ass back into your skinny jeans. Now, “fat ass” is their word, not mine. I hate how you guys have to keep up the appearance that you open your mail with your razor-sharp hip bones. But dems the breaks. By not getting pregnant, you don’t have to endure the excruciating experience of everyone wanting you to “shed the pounds” and “get back to your pre-baby weight” when you’re just trying to get a few hours of sleep.
You don’t have to compete with Kanye. Just let him have this one, right? I mean, its like, you could enter the rat race, but then he’s still going to be all, “My kid’s the best.” And do you really want to deal with that? I sure wouldn’t. We can let 2013 be the year of Kanye’s kid and then we can all move on. I’m cool with that.
So, ladies, be happy in 2013 with your empty uteri and go out into the world and… keep doing what you’ve been not doing, I guess.