• Wed, Jan 2 2013

The 16 Most Important Things That Happened While You Were On Vacation

NPH Kids
Look. Just because you went on vacation for a week doesn’t mean that all your favorite C-list celebrities stopped doing things. Believe it or not, pop culture doesn’t suddenly stop because you’re sitting at home on your parent’s couch trying to figure out why Dermot Mulroney would find it acceptable to hit on his girfriend’s sister right in front of her face in The Family Stone.
Nope things happened while you went away. 16 things to be exact. So rather than pretend that you can ever catch up on all the excitement of the past week, I put together a handy dandy cliffnotes guide to everything you missed. Because I would honestly hate for any Crushable reader to be behind on their pop culture news. That’s embarrassing for all of us.
So with no further ado, here’s what you need to know right now.

kim_kardashian_kanye_west_announces_pregnancy-640x960(WENN)

(WENN.com)

1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby. I’m legally obligated to mention this. While I could provide further details on how we found out about this publicity stunt gone too far, I’d hate to agitate my acid reflux so early in the morning. So click here if you want to know exactly how Kris Jenner convinced her daughter that a baby would make for great TV ratings.

charlie_sheen_homophobic_slur-640x910(WENN)

(WENN.com)

2. Charlie Sheen grew furious over the fact that Chris Brown stole his Resident Horrible Human Being badge in 2012. Therefore he does what any horrible human being does when he needs attention and said wonderfully nasty homophobic things while at his bar in Mexico.

Jessica-Simpson-Pregnant-Twitter-Baby-Bump-640x610(TWITTER)

(Twitter)

3. Jessica Simpson tweeted a photo of her pregnant belly. And she looks pregnant. In the way that only Jessica Simpson could look pregnant. Here’s to another 17 months of her taking pregnant twitpics!

 

andy roddick foundation gala 220912

(Arnold Wells/WENN.com)

4. Human skeleton Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves welcomed a third child to the world. While there aren’t any photos yet, a day spent studying genetics in 9th grade biology tells me the child will be beautiful.

kate_winslet_ned_rocknroll_married-638x1024(WENN)

(WENN.com)

5. Kate Winslet got married to a man named Ned Rocknroll. Calm down typo trolls, because that is exactly how you spell his last name. And in related news that will make you want to set your time machine to 1997, Leonardo DiCaprio walked her down the aisle  – despite temptation to throw her in the ocean while softly whispering, “I’m not the one who said I’ll never let go.”

Jersey Shore

(Michael Carpenter/ WENN.com)

6. Jersey Shore ended forever. But don’t get too excited, because MTV’s newest show Buckwild looks to be even more disgraceful to human beings. Yep, if you’re a human being reading this, then you should prepare to be embarrassed  However if you’re an animal reading this, job well done! What is your secret???

7. Jay-Z and Coldplay performed together on New Year’s Eve. Assorted tweets from random acquaintances inform me that it was awesome.

Hillary Clinton attends the Heads of State luncheon at the 67th General Assembly of the United Naitons, held at the UN Headquarters in New York City

(Jean Catuffe/PacificCoastNews.com)

8. Hilary Clinton got a blood clot in her brain and had to go the hospital.  But she’s going to be okay! Which is good, because she’s like the Meryl Streep of Washington D.C.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKRccr6Q2Ow

9. Obviously Kathy Anderson kissed Anderson Cooper’s crotch. It wouldn’t be New Year Eve if she wasn’t making you awkwardly laugh while simultaneously wondering if you’re committing some kind of crime by laughing.

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