1. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a baby. I’m legally obligated to mention this. While I could provide further details on how we found out about this publicity stunt gone too far, I’d hate to agitate my acid reflux so early in the morning. So click here if you want to know exactly how Kris Jenner convinced her daughter that a baby would make for great TV ratings.
2. Charlie Sheen grew furious over the fact that Chris Brown stole his Resident Horrible Human Being badge in 2012. Therefore he does what any horrible human being does when he needs attention and said wonderfully nasty homophobic things while at his bar in Mexico.
3. Jessica Simpson tweeted a photo of her pregnant belly. And she looks pregnant. In the way that only Jessica Simpson could look pregnant. Here’s to another 17 months of her taking pregnant twitpics!
4. Human skeleton Matthew McConaughey and his wife Camila Alves welcomed a third child to the world. While there aren’t any photos yet, a day spent studying genetics in 9th grade biology tells me the child will be beautiful.
5. Kate Winslet got married to a man named Ned Rocknroll. Calm down typo trolls, because that is exactly how you spell his last name. And in related news that will make you want to set your time machine to 1997, Leonardo DiCaprio walked her down the aisle – despite temptation to throw her in the ocean while softly whispering, “I’m not the one who said I’ll never let go.”
(Michael Carpenter/ WENN.com)
6. Jersey Shore ended forever. But don’t get too excited, because MTV’s newest show Buckwild looks to be even more disgraceful to human beings. Yep, if you’re a human being reading this, then you should prepare to be embarrassed However if you’re an animal reading this, job well done! What is your secret???
7. Jay-Z and Coldplay performed together on New Year’s Eve. Assorted tweets from random acquaintances inform me that it was awesome.
8. Hilary Clinton got a blood clot in her brain and had to go the hospital. But she’s going to be okay! Which is good, because she’s like the Meryl Streep of Washington D.C.
9. Obviously Kathy Anderson kissed Anderson Cooper’s crotch. It wouldn’t be New Year Eve if she wasn’t making you awkwardly laugh while simultaneously wondering if you’re committing some kind of crime by laughing.